With the destruction gentrification of Melbourne nearing the final phase of completion, Daniel Andrews and his socialist Labor government have gone on the front foot to stamp out the rise of a horrible new pest.
‘Fuckwits’, also known as ‘young professionals’, have been breeding so rapidly that the husks (prams) of their larvae have begun littering the street and clogging up footpaths; creating some serious safety and health issues.
Seemingly unaware that the planet is overpopulated and rapidly running out of resources, this new breed of human cares not for anyone but their hive and tend to swarm around new cafes and ‘kid friendly’ businesses in a circular radius from the CBD.
Husks of their larvae strewn across a footpath.
Victorian Premier, Daniel Andrews, who wears glasses and probably has asthma, did not mince his words today on the steps of Parliament announcing sweeping new laws and immediate action:
“As this species is closely related to our own, removing them by more traditional methods, such as poison or traps, creates an ethical issue. We’ve learned that not only are these, so called, ‘young professionals’ pushing house prices up and selfishly breeding like fucking Catholics, they’re also creating health and access issues for us normal folk. So, starting next week, we’re going to be taking up the parking bays on major roads to implement ‘pram lanes’ alongside footpaths. Line marking will commence this weekend and once complete, these will be compulsory for any new parents North of the CBD.”
When quizzed about the current lack of parking and traffic congestion that’s already crippling an ever growing city, Mr Andrews simply replied, “this is a lot more important than your work commute, mate.”
Experts have hailed it as an ideal and peaceful solution, and some noted it differs from Andrews’ usual solution of summary executions and the use of banned chemical weapons.
The trial will be in place for 12 months, with further assessment at a later date.
Emergency services are scrambling to attend to a horrific scene in Sydney’s CBD where an out-of-control sushi train left the tracks at a Japanese restaurant earlier today.
The incident occurred in Paddington at popular hotspot, Gnawy Roll.
Witnesses say that the train was spotted travelling ‘way too fast’ and that they had made several comments to staff but no action was taken. People were seen fleeing the scene and the footpath is currently cordoned off as authorities assess the damage and injuries.
“We told two of the waitresses that it was over-loaded and was travelling like a bullet-train, but they told us that’s how fast trains go in Japan”, screamed eyewitness, Sue Sheemi. “My friend and I were covered in soy sauce and blood, I barely had time to finish my udon!”
Terrorism (commonly referred to as Terroryaki in Japanese culture) has been ruled out and a police spokesperson said they were still finalising the casualty count, which is expected to climb, but they needed to finish their lunch first.
“I can’t believe everyone just up and left! Most of this stuff is untouched”, reported one plucky constable.
Critics of the pet cafe craze have said it was only a matter of time before something went wrong, and it seems their prophecies have materialised in a way even they couldn’t have imagined. In a mysterious turn of events, popular Northcote dog cafe, Sippy Pupper is currently involved in a stand-off with authorities who believe the main perpetrators to be … the pets!
Although tight-lipped due to the ongoing nature, Police are vaguely suggesting the cagey canines have overrun the cafe and barricaded themselves inside, along with owner Pat Himslo, who was recently reported missing.
Authorities have been unable to gain access to the building, and the premises appears to be boarded up and heavily fortified. Tense negotiations are underway between police and an unidentified party that are only being referred to as ‘unknown transgressors’.
No requests or demands have been made by those inside as negotiators desperately try to overcome a difficult communication issue. Several eye witnesses report that they’ve seen police lobbing bright green tennis balls over the fence with notes attached.
“It’s pretty clear what happened, the dogs have taken over” says elderly busybody, Dot Matricks. “People have been noticing the dogs grouping together and becoming more aware for the last few weeks. We knew something was up. We just hope Pat is okay, he is a lovely man.”
Confusing updates on the cafe’s social media page have left authorities concerned for the safety and whereabouts of Mr Himslo, with the latest upload simply a picture of a masked dog in army fatigues:
It’s the most hallowed weekend on the Australian calendar: GRAND FINAL(S) WEEKEND!! Where the climactic build up of two sporting codes reaches critical mass and ejaculates a high pressure, high testosterone discharge of footy across the entire fucking nation.
Basically, if you don’t like footy … well, you don’t really have an option.
But get fucked anyway.
Tens of thousands of fans will flock to stadiums and millions more will tune in across the nation to drunkenly distract themselves for what will only ever be a brief respite from their miserable and painful lives.
But on the upside, a shit-tonne of people will be eating some incredibly awful food whilst half-cut on medium strength ‘beer’, and given the lion’s share of fanatics will be at Melbourne Cricket Ground on Saturday afternoon, we thought we’d have a look at what’s on offer…
There was a lot of buzz at the start of the year around the big drop in prices for food at the G (and the barely mentioned rise in beer prices). As stated on the MCG website:
“Research conducted by the AFL last season showed that the MCG’s bold move to lower prices further than any other venue was a major driver in increased satisfaction levels among footy fans, with affordability one of the key issues identified by regular attendee and families in previous years.”
What this is essentially saying is:
“Due to profit margins, there can’t possibly be an increase in the quality or standard of food provided, but on second inspection, even we realised that the lips and assholes we were attempting to pass off as food couldn’t be taken seriously at that price. But who’s going to give a shit after 17 mid-strength beers? Oh and we’re increasing the price of the alcohol, you bogan morons.”
But don’t let that deter you, there’s a whole bunch of ‘upmarket’ new outlets to check out!
Why not stop in at the Ron Barrasi Cafe where they honour the man who sweated his blood and tears for decades with a ‘bag of fries with house spice mix’, or maybe pop past the very appropriately named Dog Bar, to rat on your mates, oh, and try some new ‘gourmet’ hot dogs ….
…. and you can pretend hot dogs aren’t made like this:
You probably got your grand final tickets through some corporate deal or because you know someone cool; don’t worry about those Doggies supporters who have been waiting decades for this, just get the most out of the day. I mean, you probably sent like 5 emails and posted on Facebook a few times for those tickets, so who’s got time to wait in a queue at a fancy new outlet while you’re missing all the action, especially after all that effort?!
Let’s have a look at some quick and reliable favourites…
Commonly known in Australia as ‘dead mans fingers’. As most people know today, they get their name from the English, who invented them to remind the Irish that no matter where they were on white, colonial earth, there will be no escape from the memory of the Great Famine. But Irish or not, once you’ve had a skinful, who’s going to say no to these delicious potato fingers? … except maybe your heart … at around the age of fifty.
But, yum, amirite?!
Four ‘N Twenty Meat Pie
They say ‘you are what you eat’ and there’s a reason a meat pie looks like an asshole. But hey, it’s tradition! You’ll hear that a thousand times as an Australian until you’re old enough to realise that most of the ‘traditions’ we have are basically just us being cunts or assholes, or both.
But the best thing about shoving this mystery meat disc at your face at high speed, whilst you worry about the beers in the carry tray balanced precariously on your knees, is that you probably won’t even remember you ate it!
And just like every other Aussie ‘tradition’, ignorance really is bliss.
Chicken Schnitzel Burger
Not a lot of people know this, but chickens are the most untrustworthy animals. That’s a big part of why humans started eating them, to teach the rest of them a lesson. The schnitzel is a cut of meat across the back and wing and once pounded into a pattie shape, and deep fried to remove the original flavour, it makes for some incredible eating with two pieces of lettuce and a huge dollop of mayo.
FUN FACT: the ‘chefs’ often let the meat reach room temperature in the ‘kitchens’ at the G. That’s going to make racing home to use the bathroom after the match pretty fun in that gridlocked traffic. Enjoy the ‘eight buck squirts’!
In a valiant effort to appear more culturally sensitive and health conscious, sushi has now been added to the menu. This should appeal to you if you’ve just done about a million reps at Zap Fitness and want to hang with the crew, but haven’t forgtten that summer is JUST around the corner! *cheeky winky face*
Have a good time, but not TOO good a time, you know?
A second on the lips, a lifetime on the hips!
You can pretend that that the rice and mayo combo you just inhaled DIDN’T have more calories then the yellow food you just dodged, genius.
It’s the hot new trend that looks like it’s straight from the streets of NYC, but it’s actually a uniquely Australian initiative that’s catching on globally, INCLUDING New York (located in the United States), which validates it immensely.
Now you can stop worrying about… THIS
…. and THIS
… and let some other stooge do all the work!
It’s an easy and free app download and you can post a job to be done, like carrying your shopping, walking the dog or even carting a fridge several kilometres. Or you can offer to help with a job and set your fee accordingly!
The secret to Urban Sherpas’ success is the innate laziness which is found throughout the entire species, a great example of which is the images we placed above because we couldn’t be fucked writing more words.
We spoke to creator, Des Arstor, who says it’s in his DNA:
“My dad was a fucking lazy prick, and so was my mum actually. In fact, my entire family are lazy pieces of shit. I was complaining about having to lift my 3 year old son who felt as if he’d been eating concrete or something, then it came to me: get someone else to do it! I mean, it’s no lie that we’re the laziest country on earth. I mean, have a look at the state of our hospitals, every time I go into one there’s people lying down on beds having a sook.”
After outsourcing the idea to an overseas company, Des eventually bought the project back onshore ‘due to communication issues’…
“My wife’s nephew is a whiz with apps and technology so he helped me put it together. To be honest he did most of the work, but I trademarked everything and have the patents to he’ll be lucky to see a fucking cent. I’m hoping someone else will sort out all the finance stuff…. actually, how are you with computers?”
We politely declined Des’ offer, but he makes a solid point: we are a lackadaisical nation.
A little bit of information is available on their website, but it doesn’t look like they’ve finished updating it yet: www.urbansherpa.com
In the fast-paced fashion world even the coolest elite have so much trouble keeping up that they barely know what’s ‘in’ or ‘out’ at any given time. As part of our ‘Future Trends’ series, we’ve convened a group of ‘fashion futurists’ to assess the current direction and then predict the headstyles™ of the future…
IS THIS SOY?
Yes. There’s still fuckwits in the future, but you’ll know how to spot them pretty easily: straight bangs, edgy colours. If you’ve got a keen ear, you’ll also be able to hear their distinctive and repetitive drone with familiar sayings like, ‘it’s so meta’ and ‘I’ve just found a cool new space to do my art’. Think straight lines and a jagged attitude … with a severe intolerance to most food, and large groups of other humans.
THANKS FOR COMING TO OUR ALBUM LAUNCH
With unemployment predicted to rise rapidly in the future as our social systems collapse, people will turn to music for escapism. Similar to how it happens now, but with a lot more soft crying and hunger. This ‘old cock rock’ style is timeless and although people will spend more time ‘perfecting the mess’, as they say in the biz, heroin chic will become a lot more prevalent throughout society. The art of cool will be down to a fine art. Think leather, cigarettes, whiskey, a guitar and an attitude that screams ‘once I’m high, I’m going to tear this place apart … then probably sleep with your girlfriend.’
WHERE ARE YOU CAMPING AT BURNING MAN?
After President Trump annihilates a good portion of the planet with America’s hefty nuclear arsenal, places like Black Rock Desert in Nevada will become some of the only safe refuges for a dying human species. But why not have some fun with it, you know? This style is primal, it’s free and it is reconnected. It’s so white and PC that it says ‘I’m going to make up my OWN culture to appropriate’. You’ll need a full salon and moustache wax, so bring some batteries for the hair clippers because there’s no electricity where you’re going … the power comes from within. ROAR!
THE BELL END
Eventually we will have milked every last drop of meaning from the word ‘irony’, and life and fashion cross the threshold of parody and become an infinite loop that forever repeat. In an attempt to turn fashion on its head, that is when this happens. It says so much about us. It’s the nuclear mushroom cloud that represents the final days in the glorious apocalypse as foretold by Noncestradamus, but it also represents us, and fashion, in the way that it makes us simply look like the absolute peens that we are.
Right here, at the end of all things, we hold a mirror up to ourselves and say, ‘Wow. We’re actually fuckwits’.
With the growing popularity of bars boasting thousands of bottles of assorted spirits and boutique beers, fitting it all into a small bar space has become an increasingly difficult challenge. In an apparent attempt to be perceived as the hottest new bar with the hugest and hippest selection, bars are increasingly overstocking themselves with the latest Japanese whiskeys and gins from Buttfuck, Idaho … all the while unknowingly creating dangerous death traps.
The issue peaked yesterday as five people, previously reported missing, were found trapped inside a Melbourne bar, all unable to find the exit amongst the horde of vials and vessels. Police have ordered the closure of the jam-packed drinkery and released a confusing ‘street-style rap’ media release calling on the those in power to ‘legislate before we abrogate’ and went further saying that ‘this culture of one-upping to a dangerous new level has moved into a whole new dangerous new level. We outty. Peace.’.
Some media were on hand to report the people freed from the bar were severely intoxicated and are all being treated for hysteria. The bar owner was also arrested, mouthing only a short statement before being hauled away:
“It’s not like we didn’t have enough supplies!” said severely intoxicated bar owner, Stan Still. “We were having a splendid time singing sea shanties and telling stories. Trust the pigs to ruin our fun.”
Mr Still was quickly bundled into a rasher wagon police vehicle for questioning down at the farm station.