Shocking news overnight as paleo fuckwit and Bondi hero, Pete Evans was discovered naked and unconscious in a North Sydney park in what police have described as a ‘frightening glimpse into Sydney’s future’.

According to reports, Evans was seen running naked, covered in what witnesses described as a ‘delicious variety of paleo food items’ and repeatedly shouting, “food really is medicine!”. Concerned locals contacted police who discovered Evans sprawled on a park bench barely breathing. After removing what police believed to be ‘almonds’ from his windpipe, Evans was assisted to a police vehicle and taken to Channel 7 studios for examination.

His agent is yet to respond to several pen-pal letters sent by Joel Keating, back in Year 5. But that’s unrelated.