Matt Moran To Open Exclusive New Restaurant For One.

Bald Sydney cook, Matt Moran is opening an exclusive new culinary experience to add to his compliment of ‘fine dining’ restaurants. The thing is, it’s so exclusive, it will only ever seat one person.

The restaurant, aptly named ‘LONE’ is located along the harbours edge near the heart of Sydney.

“I designed everything. The decor, furnishings, the menus; I’m in control of the entire aesthetic of this place”, the pompous asshole bleated.

When questioned as to why the restaurant was fully fitted to seat up to 40 patrons, he stated, “I want this to be a sensory happening; I want it to mimic my life in a big way. I got the idea after sitting alone in a restaurant looking at my phone, which I do quite often.”

Potential patrons can enter a ballot to have the opportunity to sit alone in the restaurant and be served a 26 course ‘disgustation menu’. Moran contends that although he doesn’t know how to actually cook, he has hand-picked one of Sydney’s best chefs.

“My head chef is a guy called Tom O’Neill. He’s an absolute freak on the pans. I found him out the back washing dishes at Scruffy Murphy’s on a boys night out. I often love to pop my head into kitchens to give the guys a thrill. Tom threw a large pot of boiling potatoes at me and I knew straight away that was the guy for LONE. He was so fiery!”

Moran is currently putting the finishing touches on the menu using a programme he found on his mothers computer called ‘notepad’. He insists they’re about to get the website online which will provide info on the restaurant and an opportunity for douchebags to enter the ballot to dine.

Matt Moron

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