Beards To Be Banned Under New Legislation.

A Young Jerk Touches His Face Pubes

In a move that has shocked both sides of politics, the government snuck through legislation last week that ‘bans the wearing of beards or any kind of facial hair in public spaces’, it also gives police new powers to ‘forcibly remove beards on the spot’.

With parliament sitting for the last time just before Christmas, and less scrutiny expected on bills as politicians’s minds turn to holidays and drug-binges, political experts are still baffled as to how something this huge has gone under the radar.

Tony Abbott has responded to questions about the new legislation earlier today.

“Look, we weren’t really expecting anyone to notice this quickly, we needed time to prepare for the roll-out. But I’ll answer your question.” the wing-nutted moron explained, “We now associate beards with bad things. You’ve got the rise of fundamentalist Islam and the hipster culture which is ruining all aspects of our social lives. You can’t go out in public for fear of being beheaded and when you finally get the guts to go to a cafe, you’ve got some nonchalant Ned Kelly taking 3 days to make your coffee because he’s too busy looking in the mirror or checking Tinder.”

The reasoning might not be that sound, but the outrage is building. Civil liberties groups are up in arms and social media is already lit up with thousands of posts about the issue and the hashtag #MyFaceMyChoice currently trending on both Facebook and Twitter.

Thimon Jeffries, spokesman for Livil Ciberties, a social action group that helps people with dyslexia & speech impediments has come out swinging against the government and called for a ‘wevolution!’.

Surprisingly, there is some support for the new laws. Public health experts claim that beards trap food which can create a breeding ground for bacteria. Police are also supporting the move with Australia’s top hog, Commissioner Dick Handler stating that ‘having a clean face will assist in the apprehension of criminals’. Police are expected to be issued with rechargeable shavers that fit snugly in an existing pouch on their current utility belts; right next to their standard-issue tasers. Commissioner Handler also went on to say that “in the same way that we used to shear sheep, we will forceably hold people down and rip those clippers over their chins. If it’s the law, we’ll enforce it.”

More information is expected tomorrow on how the laws will take effect.

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