Top 5 Places To Eat In Melbourne

Screaming chaos

Trawler’s Catch – Punt Rd, Windsor

This glassed box of fury is akin to the famed Australia Post Office in North Fitzroy whereby it’s generally only a matter of minutes before the owners are screaming and throwing things at each other. While perched in their luxurious ‘waiting area’ (newspaper stack) you can watch the action as they heave and sweat over a grill whilst regretting their life choices and violently disseminating chicken salt over literally everything. If you love having dollar amounts screamed at your face, this is a fantastic place to frequent.


Not so fukken tasty

Tasty Tacos – High St, Northcote

This ‘renovators delight’ just might be a contender for the most unpleasant Mexican fare in or around Melbourne. Their unique take on one of Melbourne’s most exhausted food genres means that even if you’ve tried all there is to offer around town, this place will still knock the shit out of you, literally. A fantastic choice if you’re looking to lose weight fast, their high standard of cleanliness often includes leaving plates and glasses strewn across tables whilst winged insects buzz playfully around the leftovers. Don’t look for reviews, it’s unlikely many survived this bête noire of sorrow. Just head straight in and order up a hot plate of E Coli, then sit back and watch the kilos cascade into the toilet bowl a mere two hours later.




Alpino Restaurant – Lygon St, Carlton

This Italian clusterfuck is almost as hilarious as it is bad. With fuckin’ stronzo owner, Tony waiting at the door to literally pull you inside, you’re trapped in a continental nightmare with foul food and even fouler service. Tony’s adoring wife has no problem telling you to ‘fuck off’ if you don’t like their ‘pasta’, and if you DO actually evade the clutches of the pezzo di merda out the front, a tremendous tirade of insults will follow you down the street like a gentle Tuscan breeze. Magical stuff.

We think we’ll let Alsheito, a diner from Melbourne, leave us with this accurate appraise:

“The sleazy dude dressed in a 1960 suit will promise you the world and give you nothing – ask his wife…. I got jibed into going here simple never ever again I would rather buy Pita bread and eat it in the gutter with a homeless guy next to me… If I took my mum here she would of disowned me…”

It’s easy to see why everyone keeps getting shot in Carlton.



The Empress - isn't she lovely?

Empress of India – Queen St, Melbourne

Looking more like a Vampire themed musical restaurant upon approach, Empress of India’s real charm is inside. The decor looks like Wes Anderson grabbed his ankles and emptied his bowels across the walls and tables, with the food appearing not much different. Have a look at this ‘assterpiece’:

dog shit

Having received high praise online (as in, you would have to be fucking high to set foot in this place), eloquent assessments of ye olde Empress include such treats as:

“Even a starving African child wouldn’t eat this garbage!” – Febiubi on Urban Spoon

“They said our guest is God on their website but we were like lambs sacrificed to God in a shabby, dead cold place trying to be fed by rubbish food.” – Selahattin Tumer on Urban Spoon

Unfortunately this place has now closed down for some unknown reason, we imagine the chefs were all offered jobs at Flower Drum.


A Scottish nightmare

McDonald’s – Whitehorse Rd, Balwyn

This new Scottish restaurant chain is taking Australia by storm! With an impressive score of 23% on Urban Spoon and a 1 star rating on Trip Advisor, it’s hard to know whether it’s the restaurant itself, the high expectations of the toothless bogan patrons, or a combination of both. Taking the time to frequent a fast food ‘restaurant’ then drive your V8 immediately home in anger to misspell food reviews may not be your idea of a good time, but it’s certainly worth a read if you’re not hating the human race enough. From overflowing bins, autistic staff and under cooked ‘meat’, it’s easy to see why purple blob, Grimace now distances himself from the food chain. As a former employee writes:

“I have witnessed senior management and the store manager removing used by dates off food in order to save money by not having to throw things away.”

2 thoughts on “Top 5 Places To Eat In Melbourne

  1. Loved the article. I may have been to that one in Lygon St. Years ago. Looked familiar. First they insulted our choice of wine that we brought to our faces – for some reason we still chose to stay after that – and then they insulted our palates and stomachs with the dismal food they brought out! Then I think they overcharged us into the bargain. Not sure why we paid mind you but distinctly remember saying to my companion in the car in the way home, “what a pack of c***s!!” And she agreed, despite hating the c word 🙂


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