As we prepare for the upcoming launch of Dark Mofo 2015 this weekend, where thousands of
fuckwits art enthusiasts pour into Hobart to loudly express how they feel about things, all the while conveniently pretending the event didn’t originate from gambling proceeds; we’ve put together a handy guide to help you experience the best of this visceral head-fuck.
1. TAKE ACID
If you sat through Mad Max: Fury Road recently and thought to yourself, ‘I really wish I was fucked up for this’, then you know exactly what to do when you step off that cheap-as-shit Jetstar flight into Hobart’s objectionable cold air: put two little bits of paper in your mouth and start to chew. There’s nothing better than weaving in and out of throngs of slow-walkers as you try to locate your friends, whilst street performers blow fire in your face, all the while gripping tightly to what remains of your sanity and screaming incoherently through Hobart’s beautiful streets.
2. PRETEND TO LOVE METAL
‘OMG! I can’t wait to see ______! They’re a Japanese noise/doom band, FYI.’ Yeah, just because you read it on the event description doesn’t mean you actually understand the bowel-splitting intensity of doom, you try-hard burke. Nothing will prepare you. And it’s not like you own any of their shit, or will ever listen to it again…. but it’s all about ‘the experience’ isn’t it? That’s what you’ll keep telling yourself as you grimace your way through an hour of the most soul-crushing low-end you’ve ever had the misfortune of tolerating.
BONUS POINTS: Stand next to the PA without ear plugs, you won’t regret it.
3. FEIGN KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT’S HAPPENING
Most of the time you won’t have the faintest fucking clue as to what you’re bearing witness to, but no one is ever really ready to admit that… and here’s the kicker: everyone is in the same boat. Similar to how wine actually all tastes the same, but the engorged behemoth that is the global wine industry turns over billions profiting from the fact that you think that it doesn’t. As you lead your friends from one ‘event’ to the next, loudly reinterpreting what you read on the website, you’ll be the hippest cunt in Hobart. Ensure you speak at a volume and frequency that can cut through crowd chatter and any performance-related noise, like music or spoken word. One suggestion is to take the pitch of your voice up to a shrill, nasal bleat.
BONUS POINTS: Be sure to let everyone know how the performance has affected you, either during or shortly afterwards, as loudly as you can. Do it where the most amount of people are gathered.
4. DO ANYTHING, EAT EVERYTHING
Did you know that the world over-produces most of its food in the first world (where you live) which means that a lot of it goes to waste on a daily basis? It’s a shocking fact, and Tasmania is just as guilty as everywhere else, so why not indulge your every whim and eat like a fucking pig? Eat everything…. and even if it looks like you could eat it, put it in your mouth and give it a go. Don’t let ANYTHING go to waste. There’s nothing like gluttonous hedonism when you’re away from home, look at the fucking English in Spain for fuck’s sake. Take a page out of their book and fuck, eat and destroy anything that moves during your wintery southern sojourn. Remember: you can do anything you want during the two weeks of Dark Mofo as most people will assume it’s part of some kind of ‘performance’. FUCKING JACKPOT! Did someone say ‘assault with a deadly weapon’? No?? Oh okay…. cool.
BONUS POINTS: During ‘The Feast’ (pictured above), act like it’s an actual medieval feast by smashing each ‘mug of ale’ (glass schooner) onto the floor and screaming ‘MORE!’ like a Norse viking.
5. UPLOAD LITERALLY EVERYTHING TO SOCIAL MEDIA
You know a huge part of the reason you’re going to this is because it allows you to show your friends and social media acquaintances that you’re ahead of the pack and your life is so fucking amazing. Dark Mofo is kinda new, kinda edgy and super ‘on-trend’. This means that Jasmine in Marketing would have no idea about it, or if she did, she found out too late and missed out on flights, accommodation and tickets to anything. SUCK SHIT JASMINE. It’s going to give you so much pleasure to upload the artiest Instagram shot you can with a humblebrag caption and then sit back and watch the likes roll in. Especially when you remember that everyone else is sitting at their work computers sucking at life. But it doesn’t end there, people will ask you questions, especially when you’re back in the office. Now it’s your time to shine!! Work out what you’re going to say in your mind as you hit ‘upload’, it’ll feel like buying a lottery ticket. Quite similar in fact, because just like when you win lotto, it will immediately distance you from your friends and family.
BONUS POINTS: Put about a million fucking hashtags. It’s even better when it could have just formed a part of the actual caption.
NOW YOU’RE READY. GO PUT THE ART IN HOBART! #visceral #art #hashtag