Top 5 Winter Travel Destinations

As we endure one of the coldest Winter’s in recent times, the thought of booking a holiday to warmer climates is as tempting as re-heating that three day old green chicken curry; it’s risky, potentially expensive and will most definitely provide some time off work. But you know you’re going to … because you’re a maverick who doesn’t play by the rules.

So come with us on a magical journey around the world in 80 sentences and see the places that time forgot in our ‘Top 5 Winter Travel Destinations’.

Detroit, Michigan

Ice mansions

A city steeped in rich history. Mainly automotive and now quite literally history, Detroit is a city on the up and up! And that’s mainly because it’s not getting any lower. A perfect precursor to what will inevitably become the whole of America, why not visit this place first to see how it will all begin when Skynet becomes self-aware? This old forgotten metropolis has so many things to discover!  It was founded on July 24, 1701, by the French explorer and adventurer Antoine Laumet de La Mothe, who’s name translates to ‘I accidentally ate a moth once’, the French immediately started building Ford motor cars there and the town flourished. Henri Forde, a French-American businessman was later to claim he had founded the company in 1903, but this claim was judged to be blasphemy and he was put to death by cerebral haemorrhage many years later.

Part of Detroit’s charm is the estimated 20,000 stray dogs that roam the spacious streets of the more derelict areas. They stand guard over the empty houses while they’re masters go to find more money in other parts of America. Similar to the famed Australian story of the Dog on the Tuckerbox, but way more fucking depressing. The mayor of Detroit is said to be under direct instruction from the dog population there and is looking to erect a large bronze statue of a leg bone in the centre of the city.

Hotels are so cheap, you can almost name your price. Or why not just let yourself in to one of the thousands of abandoned homes? And with one of the highest crime rates per capita in America, you KNOW you’ll be able to get some good shit out on those streets. Light ’em if you got ’em!

Kos, Greek Islands

How relaxing!

Greece might be up to it’s eyeballs in debt, but it’s because they know how to live it up! Places like Kos on the Greek Islands have been a favourite of English ‘holidaymakers’ for decades and now everyone wants to see why. There’s a reason that thousands of people are arriving on leaky boats each week… and it’s not because they’re fleeing war and death – it’s to get to one of the hottest Mediterranean party spots!  English tourists are so eager to ensure there’s enough room for new tourists, they’re even talking about returning to the island less frequently because of the the influx of migrants – how’s THAT for generous?!

The British already had a stellar reputation along the Mediterranean coast, where they have been the locals’ favourite tourist in places like Palma and Ibiza for years. It’s not the hungover entitlement of white people, it’s called ‘FIRST DIBS’, idiots and if they didn’t test out all these amazing spots, how would we find out how good they were!? Thanks heaps, guys!

MotherTheresa and her mate attend to war-torn refugees

Mother Theresa and her mate attending to asylum seekers.

Rumoured to have been recently visited by the Roman god, Hercules, it’s a small island in the Aegean Sea surrounded by blue water and tonnes of sandy beaches with a rich, ancient history. Regardless of the fact Greece is a nation about to implode from average fiscal management, this city is bustling with charm and vibe and you’ll be able to pick up some amazing souvenirs at extremely low prices.

Huaxi Village, China 

How good is Communism tho?

British right-wing shitrag, Daily Fail refers to this wonder of contemporary symmetry as a ‘modern socialist-capitalist town’ but Huaxi Village is also known as the ‘richest village in China’ and it’s easy to see why; the entire population is actually filthy rich. Where hundreds of families live in row upon row of identical houses after the village was turned into a private company. The villagers are shareholders and are paid one-fifth of the town’s annual profits.

It’s such a ‘hot spot’, it’s literally (and figuratively) red. If you don’t think capitalism hasn’t done some good things for China, why not ask one of the 20,500 migrant workers who slave away in the multi-industry sectors earning money for the 2,000 or so ‘villagers’ who inhabit the town (also referred to colloquially as ‘khunts‘, which is Mandarin for ‘master’).

Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea

Frolicking Locals

Local fun police ensure frolicking locals enjoy themselves.

This tropical wonderland is nestled on the shores of the Gulf of Papua and has a surprise around every corner! It was discovered by Rear Admiral John Moresby, who immediately claimed New Guinea for Britain but completely forgot to inform the indigenous population of their transfer to Queen Victoria’s imperial inventory of real estate. HAHAHA CLASSIC JOHNNO!! *canned laughter*

It’ll keep you on your toes as you walk the main street; there’s bargains everywhere! And don’t listen to the guys at The Economist who say it’s ranked 139 out of 140 of the world’s least liveable cities, they’ve probably never been there. But the real magic is out of town where the police don’t go… and it’s not because of the rumoured lawlessness and tribal in-fighting, that’s all made-up stuff to keep the throngs away and has nothing to do with decades of colonial oppression, or big mining destroying a beautiful people’s land. The locals LOVE to see smiling white faces and will often playfully fire weapons nearby in celebration.

The steaming, tropical jungles are steeped in mystery and some say there are still hundreds of undiscovered species of fauna just waiting to be pinned inside a glass box – grab your magnifying glass!!

St Kilda, Melbourne, Australia

I wonder if her name is Sandy?

Not content to sit along the actual ocean, this backpackers delight cosily hugs the super clean waters of one of Australia’s favourite bays, Port Phillip, which was famously dredged in an effort to find Premier John Brumby’s lost car keys a few years ago.

This junkie tourist haven is so popular, it hosts more hostels and halfway houses then any other area in Australia. One of the more upmarket establishments, The Gatwick Hotel, is so popular that it’s impossible to book a room there. The police love it so much, they often put special tape across the entrance to clean the entire place and take photos!

Navigate Fitzroy Street like a downhill version of the American Ninja Challenge as you duck and weave between completely steamed Swedish chicks and sloth-like Irishmen, dive-roll over a homeless drunk and get yelled at by an anorexic zombie looking for ‘Jason’ and you’ll be rewarded with one of the most beautiful ‘beaches’ in the world. Run your toes through the freezing sand… OUCH! What was that? Hahaha… another syringe! You can’t catch AIDS twice, you junkie fucks, so the joke’s on you! Just wash it off in the murky, freezing water but don’t put your head under! The water coming from that pipe over there might be warm and brown, but it burns your skin like the sun. Naughty pipe! *giggles*

But it’s the evening when St Kilda really shines … stop past one of the hundreds of sub-par restaurants for dinner then head out to try catch an incredibly depressing cover band, as the live music venues slowly disappear; to probably be replaced with restaurants. Or maybe hit a club playing nothing but Top 40 ‘bangers’ at uncomfortable levels and get fingered by an AFL footballer? The sky’s the limit!

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