Gold Class Seating To Be Trialled On Melbourne Trams


It’s finally here! No one asked for it, but Yarra Trams are rolling it out anyway: GOLD CLASS TRAM SEATING!

In a press conference this morning, Yarra Trams spokesman, Con Ductah, said that over two months of preparation had gone into this exciting new roll-out:

“Victoria, we’re fairly certain you asked for it, and now you’ve got it! We’re really excited to bring you Gold Class Seating on all new and existing trams! We might be haemorrhaging money, but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a high-class transport option for everyone wanting a new style of ride!”

Converted areas at the front of all trams will allow lucky riders to sit in state-of-the-art reclining seats, with fold-out tables to allow people to work on their laptops or consume food and drink which they can order from a mobile ‘candy bar’ set-up near the drivers window. Each area will be lit with ‘soft lounge lighting’ with DJ’s providing ‘ambient electronica’.  VIP’s will be allowed entry at the front doors of the 50-tonne people-sausages with the fancy sections roped off and tight security enforcing a strict guestlist; the rest of the commuters will have access from the rear doors.

“This isn’t for everybody”, Mr Ductah explained to reporters after the briefing, “We’re still yet to announce pricing, but it won’t be cheap and there will be a strict dress code. It’s unlikely we’ll be rolling this out in places like Frankston or St Albans… wait, do we even operate a tram network in St Albans? …. it doesn’t matter. The point is, this is exclusive and for those that can afford it. Everyone else can still sit in the back as normal.”

The programme is said to have been the brainchild of Victorian Premier, Daniel ‘Big Daddy’ Andrews who had the idea after visiting a ‘picture theatre’ back in 1998 and had been attempting to patent the idea unsuccessfully for years. Now with him in charge, rumours have circulated that he’s been pushing through a plethora of hair-brained schemes in an effort to make the city more ‘radical’.

In true public transport style, akin to Myki, barely any consultation has taken place between Yarra Trams, Public Transport Victoria and the public with costs set to be in the tens of millions to upgrade new and existing trams to cater for this new VIP seating plan.

Pricing options are to be released sometime next week, with the new website going live at the same time.

Some early critics of the new plan are suggesting this is a huge waste of money and that it looks like a dodgy plan B to their failed ‘Trambeds’ which were trialled last year. The Trambeds were riddled with controversy after junkies and the homeless took them over which resulted in several altercations and violent assaults as office workers took issue with having to stand after a long day of sitting at their computers.

Have a fukken kip ay

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