Melbourne Man Missing For Two Years Found Alive In IKEA Showroom

IKEA BSHEET FINAL

A Melbourne family are breathing a sigh of relief after their father and husband was found alive and well inside an IKEA showroom in Melbourne over the weekend.

Allan Keyes had been missing for almost two years after he vanished during a shopping excursion with his wife. Police found him after receiving reports of someone matching his description defecating in the unplumbed toilet units in IKEA’s Richmond showroom. He was reluctantly reconnected with his family who threw a surprise party for him on Sunday with close friends.

“We’re just absolutely thrilled to have him back. The kids have been deprived of two great years, but we’re going to make up for lost time!” Haus Keyes, Allan’s loving wife gleefully exclaimed. “The police said he took a bit of coaxing to return home…. he had made himself pretty comfortable in there!”

In actual fact, police said that Mr Keyes was so reluctant to leave the perplexing Swedish labyrinth that they were forced to think on their feet to coax him out. They left a trail of Swedish meatballs to an outside area where they threw a large grey blanket over him to keep him calm.

“It’s been a few years since we’ve used the excitement blanket.” Explains Senior Cuntstable, Dick Handler. “We got the idea from watching David Attenborough docos. He was dug in there like a tick and the casual staff just assumed he was a regular customer; he would move from one area to another fairly often.”

IKEA released a statement saying that while they were glad that Mr Keyes has been reunited with his loved ones, the dangers of their showrooms are very real with hundreds of people going missing each year. They suggest notifying friends or family if intending to peruse their wares and always take plenty of food and water.

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