With only a couple of days away until all the white people celebrate the birth of an illiterate carpenter from 1st century Palestine, the time to truly honour his sedition against Roman occupation is dwindling… FAST!
But it’s not too late to snap up a couple of overpriced artisan bargains and slide them discreetly under a sparkling dead tree … just in time to bestow them upon the people you’re forced to love.
Luckily, we’ve put together these Top 5 last-minute Christmas gift ideas to quell your late indecision…
THE BROADSHEET COOKBOOKS
These inspiring cookbooks (one for Melbourne and one for Sydney) have been lovingly collated by Broadsheet with over 160 ‘signature recipes’ in two books.
Whilst flicking through the pages, take yourself back to when you were talking loudly at 400 Gradi about climate change and Australia’s bleak political landscape, all the while foregoing your summer beach bod for 7 heavenly mouthfuls of overpriced spaghettini.
We can’t believe it actually took more than ten page turns to find a picture of Iceberg’s in Bondi.
A steal for only fifty bucks a pop.
AN ARTISAN GARDENING KIT
We’ve finally done it: peak artisan. Congrats errbody!
Although the ‘Golden Trowel’ might be something more akin to a joke award at the Gardening Australia end-of-year staff party, this actually exists. And what could be more perfectly ‘artisan’ than actual hand gardening tools?
Unfortunately for these expensive examples of excavation equipment, the fine print sternly stipulates that only kale and quinoa seedlings are to touch this fancy brass.
I’m sure you’ll be absolutely thrilled that these dirt-covered instruments put you back a decent nudge while you’re rummaging around in the mud.
A MOTHERFUCKING FLIP PHONE
You know the best thing about trends? When companies inevitably run out of ideas, they can literally just thumb through an old catalogue, shove any old shit down our throats and call it ‘innovative’… and here’s the best bit: we’ll buy it.
With Samsung recently revealing their dual-Screen, quad-Core android flip phone, and other companies looking at re-hashing some of their older models, snapping one of these up means you’ll be at the forefront of the old school.
BONUS POINTS: you’ll be able to imagine you’re someone famous like Adele or Tay Tay, who were recently linked to flip phones. Coincidentally, they’re two people who have also made millions re-hashing their past.
A CRAFT BREWING KIT
Do you remember when your dad started brewing beer downstairs? It tasted like shit and tonnes of bottles exploded, but what a fucking rad hobby for an old bloke!
Well given you’re now wearing his clothes, it seems apt that the torch has been passed to you.
These kits range in price from ‘just having a tinker and will probably give it away after the first go’, right through to ‘when I’m finished, Young Henry’s will be a smoldering ruin’.
Easy to start, and even easier to talk about incessantly, they make a great gift for someone with an unused shed and small to medium social standing.
Just have a look at these! They’re like the perfect harmony of ‘rustic provincial’ and on-trend fuckwittery.
With local councils now enforcing the installation of Edison bulbs in every new bar on the east coast, these will be familiar to anyone who’s been outside recently.
Sling these over wood for an authentic look, they’re easy to install and probably don’t require a qualified sparky to sort out (make sure you’ve got the mains off!).
PRO TIP: don’t serve drinks in the jars once you’ve placed the live, exposed bulbs inside.