Gluten Free Vegan Spontaneously Combusts After Accidentally Touching Burger

man alight

A man has died in unusual circumstances today at a Melbourne cafe in what police have described as a ‘distressing and unexpected situation for witnesses’.

The victim has been named as Ian Whinelots, aged 27, thought to be a regular at trendy Collingwood cafe, Seven Deadly Sins.

Although staff at the cafe have been instructed not to comment until investigations are complete, Boredsheet were fortunate enough to obtain a first-hand account of what happened from a visibly upset staff member, Jessica Rowlee, who asked to remain anonymous:

“I’m still in shock. He comes in all the time and was the nicest bloke… he used to complain a bit that the soy in his coffee was too hot, but most customers complain about something these days. He used to make a lot of bathroom trips, as he had some health issues which we were all VERY aware of.

I think he must have lost his balance on the way back from the toilets as I heard a yell and looked over. He looked as if he put his hand out to catch himself and it had landed on someone’s plate, right on their beef burger. That’s when the screaming started. He was holding his hand up and just staring at it and screaming this horrible howl… then his hand just exploded in flames, and then his entire body. It all happened so quickly. … he kept yelling, ‘I told you I was gluten intolerant’ and things like that. I’ll never forget the screams, it was like a horror movie.”

Staff tried desperately to douse the flames, but with the intense heat and Mr Whinelots thrashing around and profusely screaming about the pain and his special diet, they decided it best to let him burn.

The cafe will be closed indefinitely, and owners have asked patrons to ‘find somewhere else to whinge about their dietary intolerances’.

 

 

 

 

 

 

29 thoughts on “Gluten Free Vegan Spontaneously Combusts After Accidentally Touching Burger

  1. This is the exact reason why coeliacs are constantly sick after eating out. People seriously need to understand that coeliac disease is serious, and should be treated with the same care as peanut allergies. I understand you are just trying to have a laugh about an obvious fad, and I personally hate vegans too, but just remember, there are people out there who NEED gluten free, those with coeliac disease and gluten intolerance. They are both real conditions, stick to vegans, at least its not a diet to treat a condition.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I personally hate coeliacs. My ex-girlfriend was a coeliac and she left me for a vegan. But how can you hate a vegan who won’t even squat a fly, while a coeliac generally takes pleasure in leading you on, making you think you’re the “one” and then leaving for you someone who “actually believes in something”.

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    2. I look forward to tomorrow’s headline “Coeliac explodes into giblets after reading satire article about gluten-free vegans”. Or maybe “Humourless twat whines about something read on Internet – nobody listens”.

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  2. what crap… something like this would have been in the newspapers…. only this “blog” has it.
    and the cafe says they will close indefinitely, but their facebook page says nothing about the event and looks like it is business as usual !!

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    1. The man was obviously a Terrorist though no mention of middle eastern appearance was made.
      Anglo vegan terrorists are the worst kind. They don’t sell fear or newspapers so this incident was simply brushed under the carpet and cosmetically dressed to imply the man was whinging about his dietary challenges.
      This sort of spontaneous combustion is almost a daily event in Syria and Iraq and it doesn’t make the mainstream media either

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  3. The staff member who commented ASKED to remain anonymous AND your printed her name!!! Terrible reporting and there’s something VERY dodgy about this….never heard of anyone going up in flames due to food intolerances….are you sure he didn’t set fire to himself when he went into the toilet???

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  4. fucking idiots… for a start ‘Boredsheet were fortunate enough to obtain a first-hand account of what happened from a visibly upset staff member, Jessica Rowlee, who asked to remain anonymous’ yea real anonymous when u state a name that is misinformation 101!!!

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  5. It is a bit early for the beginning of April isn’t it ? Maybe it is the beginning of April and I slept in for 3 months. Now there is another story to run with ……… MAN SLEEPS IN FOR 3 MONTHS AFTER A HEAVY NIGHT OUT AT SYDNEY CAFE

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sounds like Mr Whinelots hadn’t finished in the toilet. He was probably leaking methane out of every orifice in his body and had the misfortune to mince past someone lighting up a ciggy. Daft bitch !

    Liked by 1 person

  7. ahahaha, the post, I found it chuckle worthy, the comments however, funniest bunch of posters ever. Potentially the whitest or most vegan posters I’ve ever come accross online.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Reblogged this on Marc Gilbert-Widmann and commented:
    “I’m still in shock. He comes in all the time and was the nicest bloke… he used to complain a bit that the soy in his coffee was too hot, but most customers complain about something these days. He used to make a lot of bathroom trips, as he had some health issues which we were all VERY aware of.
    I think he must have lost his balance on the way back from the toilets as I heard a yell and looked over. He looked as if he put his hand out to catch himself and it had landed on someone’s plate, right on their beef burger. That’s when the screaming started. He was holding his hand up and just staring at it and screaming this horrible howl… then his hand just exploded in flames, and then his entire body. It all happened so quickly. … he kept yelling, ‘I told you I was gluten intolerant’ and things like that. I’ll never forget the screams, it was like a horror movie.”

    Liked by 1 person

  9. The man was obviously a terrorist though no mention of middle Eastern appearance was made.
    Anglo vegan terrorists are the worst kind. They don’t sell fear or newspapers.
    This was all brushed under the carpet for one reason. He failed to build any case for bombing Iraq when he screamed out ” die you filfy meat eating swine”
    The anonymous witness (I’ve already forgotten her name) was a covert CIA operative there to make sure he stuck to the script before he detonated the incendiary device.
    Spontaneous combustion my arse. All he needed to do is scream “Allah is great” and then you would have found it on Foxtel 10 minutes before it happened.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. What colour were the flames when he combusted?

    That’s really important because if he were a raw vegan, he would have burned a pious yellow, while a standard vegan burns a sanctimonious green. However, a gluten-free raw vegan burns a holy white that emanates a radiant glory that lights up every bulb in a city street before they shatter dramatically, leaving no doubt in a bystander’s mind that a guru has ascended into Gaia’s voluptuous embrace.

    However, if he’d eaten any gluten, meat, fish or honey in the weeks proceeding, he would have burned a damning black. Considering the staff let him burn, I’m guessing it’s the latter.

    Shame!

    Liked by 1 person

  11. You need to update the article with this breaking news: An autopsy on the victim, Ian Whinelots, who was better known to his friends as Grumble, revealed that, although the cause of death was, as suspected, spontaneous combustion, the contributing causes were a total absence of coconut oil and turmeric in his system. In addition, he was deficient in the essential nutrients kale and quinoa.
    Although the victim had been known for his healthy eating habits, apparently he had abandoned the traditional kale/quinoa lifestyle for the more up-to-date charcoal juice and asparagus water diet. The absence of kale and quinoa made the spontaneous combustion event inevitable, according to coroner, Dr. B. O. Dycutter, who stated that had the victim been eating the proper amounts of those foods, as well as consuming enough turmeric and coconut oil, not only would he not have spontaneously combusted, he would have lived forever. Dr. Dycutter pointed out that not one single person who consumes coconut oil has ever undergone spontaneous human combustion, and called for coconut oil to be added to the government’s list of essential nutrients.

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