Police Order Closure Of Boutique Bar After Five People Found Trapped Inside

FULLAS
Specialty Bars: the new hoarding

With the growing popularity of bars boasting thousands of bottles of assorted spirits and boutique beers, fitting it all into a small bar space has become an increasingly difficult challenge. In an apparent attempt to be perceived as the hottest new bar with the hugest and hippest selection, bars are increasingly overstocking themselves with the latest Japanese whiskeys and gins from Buttfuck, Idaho … all the while unknowingly creating dangerous death traps.

The issue peaked yesterday as five people, previously reported missing, were found trapped inside a Melbourne bar, all unable to find the exit amongst the horde of vials and vessels. Police have ordered the closure of the jam-packed drinkery and released a confusing ‘street-style rap’ media release calling on the those in power to ‘legislate before we abrogate’ and went further saying that ‘this culture of one-upping to a dangerous new level has moved into a whole new dangerous new level. We outty. Peace.’.

Some media were on hand to report the people freed from the bar were severely intoxicated and are all being treated for hysteria. The bar owner was also arrested, mouthing only a short statement before being hauled away:

“It’s not like we didn’t have enough supplies!” said severely intoxicated bar owner, Stan Still. “We were having a splendid time singing sea shanties and telling stories. Trust the pigs to ruin our fun.”

Mr Still was quickly bundled into a rasher wagon police vehicle for questioning down at the farm station.

 

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