Melbourne To Trial New Pram Lanes


With the destruction gentrification of Melbourne nearing the final phase of completion, Daniel Andrews and his socialist Labor government have gone on the front foot to stamp out the rise of a horrible new pest.

‘Fuckwits’, also known as ‘young professionals’, have been breeding so rapidly that the husks (prams) of their larvae have begun littering the street and clogging up footpaths; creating some serious safety and health issues.

Seemingly unaware that the planet is overpopulated and rapidly running out of resources, this new breed of human cares not for anyone but their hive and tend to swarm around new cafes and ‘kid friendly’ businesses in a circular radius from the CBD.

Prams 3
Husks of their larvae strewn across a footpath.


Victorian Premier, Daniel Andrews, who wears glasses and probably has asthma, did not mince his words today on the steps of Parliament announcing sweeping new laws and immediate action:

“As this species is closely related to our own, removing them by more traditional methods, such as poison or traps, creates an ethical issue. We’ve learned that not only are these, so called, ‘young professionals’ pushing house prices up and selfishly breeding like fucking Catholics, they’re also creating health and access issues for us normal folk. So, starting next week, we’re going to be taking up the parking bays on major roads to implement ‘pram lanes’ alongside footpaths. Line marking will commence this weekend and once complete, these will be compulsory for any new parents North of the CBD.”

When quizzed about the current lack of parking and traffic congestion that’s already crippling an ever growing city, Mr Andrews simply replied, “this is a lot more important than your work commute, mate.”

Experts have hailed it as an ideal and peaceful solution, and some noted it differs from Andrews’ usual solution of summary executions and the use of banned chemical weapons.

The trial will be in place for 12 months, with further assessment at a later date.





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