Man Attacked After Wearing ‘Meat Suit’ To Vegan Cafe

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Police are holding four people for questioning and a man lies in hospital after a vicious attack at a popular Sydney café over the weekend. What started as a bad joke between mates resulted in an all-in brawl with patrons scrambling for cover as furniture and soy products started flying.

Surrey Hills café, Pretence, will be closed until further notice as police and local food authorities scour the premises. Witnesses say that a man in his late twenties strode purposefully into the vacuous vegan hive wearing a suit made entirely of meat in a deliberate attempt to provoke an aggressive response.

“He looked like he’d had a fair bit to drink and was leering and smiling like he thought murdering sentient beings was a big joke”, one heretical beatnik screamed. “He started joking loudly that he’d made ‘a huge missed steak’ walking in here and kept asking staff for the WiFi password so he could tell everyone he was at a vegan place…. he was being a real jerk.”

It didn’t take long for tempers to boil and when one irate habitué lobbed a soysauge at the man’s head, things took a turn for the worse. As he turned to leave, the intoxicated oaf bumped several patrons who misinterpreted the contact as an attempt to be aggressive. In the ensuing melee, patrons ‘jumped’ the man, who is under heavy police guard in hospital, and began punching, kicking and attempting to tear the suit from him. He was left bloody, unconscious and practically naked, with his own small soysauge on display.

The victim’s friends, who have asked press to refrain from printing names, say that they had been drinking heavily at a bucks weekend and hadn’t slept for a ‘couple of days’.

“Derrick, or ‘Nangs’ as we call him, was talking about getting more rack when he has this fuckin’ mad idea to hang racks of lamb and assorted meats all over him like Lady Gaga and stroll in to a vegan café just to see what would happen; what a beserk cunt! We all thought it would be a great craic so we took off to the butcher. No one thought he’d end up in hospital. For a bunch of people that hate violence, vegans really love a good stompin’ ay?”

Unsure whether the question required a response, we moved on and spoke to police who said that violence involving ‘certain elements of the phytophagous community’ is on the rise and there are already some high-profile people under surveillance.

Vegan terrorism is a major concern for authorities with the NSW government reportedly in talks with authorities around ways to tackle the new surge of herbivorous radicalism.

 

 

 

 

Apple Lawsuit: Churches Move To Ban ‘OMG’ From Smartphones

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Fiction enthusiasts, the Catholic Church have today launched a class-action lawsuit against tech giant enthusiasts, Apple, over what it deems as ‘blasphemic acronyms and phrases’ allowable in their smartphone’s text messaging technology.

Phrases like ‘OMG’, which experts have revealed actually means Oh My God, and the use of popular terms such as ‘Jesus Fucking Christ’ are considered offensive to Christians, and generally regarded as blasphemy. Famous examples of blasphemy include Simone Callahan calling ex-husband, Shane Warne (God of Spin) a ‘womanising piece of shit’ or more recently, Thomas Aikenhead who was hung for blasphemy at aged 20, in Scotland. He was prosecuted for denying the veracity of the Old Testament and the legitimacy of Christ’s miracles. Classic Thommo!

Apple spokesman, Jonathan McIntosh, said that the church was behind the times on the issue:

“We’ve been in touch with representatives from the church to explain that these phrases no longer have the connotations they think they do, but they’re still pursuing the lawsuit. They’ve submitted an entire list, it’s completely unreasonable. They think ‘LOL’ means ‘Loins of Lust’ for God’s sake… wait… did I just blaspheme? …. please don’t print that.”

With Apple already under fire from the US Government over the FBI phone hacking scandal, it seems an attack from God himself isn’t enough to break their stride.

The church has yet to respond to several fax enquiries for comment, but Apple don’t seem concerned and said they were already working on some hilarious emoji’s which feature characters from the Bible in awkward everyday situations.

 

Sydney Launches ‘Black Night’ In Response To Melbourne’s White Night Festival

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Just as Melbourne sets for launch on its annual White Night festival this weekend, Sydney have boldly announced what appears to be a last-minute counter-festival in an attempt to take the wind out of Melbourne’s sails.

NSW Premier, Mike ‘Fun Police‘ Baird said the new festival will be happening at exactly the same time as tomorrow’s White Night event and although it won’t have the artistic and cultural scope that the Melbourne event has, the premier maintains that ‘there is still a whole lot of fun things to cater for everyone.’

With the lockout laws controversy in full swing, some commentators have suggested that there is actually no festival and that an angry Baird government are taking it a step further by simply switching all the lights off as punishment.

When questioned further around why no programme has been released, and not a shred of marketing has been seen, Baird was vague and evasive and responded:

“Back in my day, we used to make our own fun. It’s lights out at 9:30pm. No ifs or buts.”

 

 

HOT NEW TRENDS: Melbourne’s Best Free Glamping Spots!

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‘City glamping’ is the latest craze sweeping Melbourne, and it’s set to explode around the rest of Australia. Taking a holiday in your own city might seem like a strange thing to do, but with St. Jerome’s – The Hotel opening up above Melbourne Central to rave reviews and a whole lot of new websites, blogs and media devoted to the farcical fad, maybe there’s something to it!?

The problem is that city glamping isn’t that cheap, but don’t drop your bundle JUST yet; the good folks at Boredsheet have put together some handy tips on some of the best FREE city glamping spots Melbourne has to offer…

 

TRAM STOPS

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Not only are tram shelters protected by the elements, what most people don’t know is that trams are occasionally scheduled to stop here to let people on and off! If you can find a good stop within the free city circle, you will have scored yourself some free accommodation AND travel!

PRO TIP: If someone asks you if you’ve ‘touched off this morning’, they’re actually referring to the Myki card payment system.

 

THE BANKS OF THE YARRA

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The historic Yarra River was discovered by John Yarra in 1978 and has been the lifeblood of Melbourne’s city, providing an endless stream of chip packets and Coke™ bottles for decades. Its serene setting, city views and clean water make it a perfect glamp spot.

A morning dip is a fantastic way to start the day. Don’t worry about the people in corporate attire staring and shaking their heads, they’re simply yet to discover the benefits of a local glamping holiday!

If you want a little extra cover, try setting up under an overpass. You might even get lucky and find a bed all ready for you!

Faktum Hotels

 

JUNKIE SQUATS

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With the impending release of Zoolander 2, why not go all ‘derelicte’ and fully embrace the boho lifestyle by securing an abandoned warehouse. You can pretend you’re Jean-Michel Basquiat, Andy Warhol or some other over-hyped cultural icon.

More suited to glampers who want a bit more cover from the elements, be sure to bring something sharp; you’re going to need to protect your patch.

PRO TIP: if you feel like staying a little longer, ‘squatters law’ dictates that after 8 years an uncontested property becomes yours. Did someone say free house?! Turn that holiday into a relocation!

 

LANEWAYS

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Grab an alcove in the pretty little CBD laneways and you’ll have direct access to the best Melbourne can offer. From coffee shops and trendy bars to the hottest shopping in the country. If you can handle the unique odours, it’s a prime location for central city glamping!

PRO TIP: If you can get close to a hotel or café, you’ll have free WiFi!

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Victorian Government Starts Petition To Ban Petitions

 

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In a welcome move this week, the Victorian Government has tabled a petition to the Australian Government to stop petitions.

Victorian Premier, Daniel Andrews (who now prefers to be addressed as ‘Dandrews’), presented the petition to Victorian parliament today with a stirring speech that received a standing ovation for over five minutes from both sides of the chamber. Media sources inside parliament said that Andrews was intending to personally deliver the petition to Prime Minister, Malcom Turnbull, and finished his speech with a symbolic reference to Lord Of The Rings in what some MP’s claimed was an ‘oral masterstroke’. Andrews repeatedly chanted: “One petition to rule them all, and in the darkness (legally) bind them”, which then echoed ominously around the chamber when several Labor MP’s also joined in.

Government spokesman, Pete Ishon, addressed waiting media on the steps of parliament to provide a bit more background for the bold move:

“This ‘selective outrage’ has to stop on both sides, left and right. The chronic whining from everyone has risen to a point where we can’t keep up with the causes we’re fighting for. If I get one more fucking change.org email I’m going to set my computer on fire! It’s time to stop this madness once and for all… everyone needs to settle down and relax.”

Surprisingly, the Andrews government have the full support of their Liberal counterparts on the issue, with belligerent moron Opposition Leader, Matthew Guy also voicing his approval of the new measure. Commenting off the record that ‘the publicity surrounding this could really take the focus off his complete inability to function as a politician’.

People are being encouraged to sign the petition as soon as possible with the aim to get at least 500,000,000 signatures on it before Dandrews books a Murrays bus up the Hume Highway.

You can view and sign the petition here:  https://www.change.org/p/victorian-government-stop-petitions

Gluten Free Vegan Spontaneously Combusts After Accidentally Touching Burger

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A man has died in unusual circumstances today at a Melbourne cafe in what police have described as a ‘distressing and unexpected situation for witnesses’.

The victim has been named as Ian Whinelots, aged 27, thought to be a regular at trendy Collingwood cafe, Seven Deadly Sins.

Although staff at the cafe have been instructed not to comment until investigations are complete, Boredsheet were fortunate enough to obtain a first-hand account of what happened from a visibly upset staff member, Jessica Rowlee, who asked to remain anonymous:

“I’m still in shock. He comes in all the time and was the nicest bloke… he used to complain a bit that the soy in his coffee was too hot, but most customers complain about something these days. He used to make a lot of bathroom trips, as he had some health issues which we were all VERY aware of.

I think he must have lost his balance on the way back from the toilets as I heard a yell and looked over. He looked as if he put his hand out to catch himself and it had landed on someone’s plate, right on their beef burger. That’s when the screaming started. He was holding his hand up and just staring at it and screaming this horrible howl… then his hand just exploded in flames, and then his entire body. It all happened so quickly. … he kept yelling, ‘I told you I was gluten intolerant’ and things like that. I’ll never forget the screams, it was like a horror movie.”

Staff tried desperately to douse the flames, but with the intense heat and Mr Whinelots thrashing around and profusely screaming about the pain and his special diet, they decided it best to let him burn.

The cafe will be closed indefinitely, and owners have asked patrons to ‘find somewhere else to whinge about their dietary intolerances’.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Top 5 Last-Minute Christmas Gift Ideas

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With only a couple of days away until all the white people celebrate the birth of an illiterate carpenter from 1st century Palestine, the time to truly honour his sedition against Roman occupation is dwindling… FAST!

But it’s not too late to snap up a couple of overpriced artisan bargains and slide them discreetly under a sparkling dead tree … just in time to bestow them upon the people you’re forced to love.

Luckily, we’ve put together these Top 5 last-minute Christmas gift ideas to quell your late indecision…

 


 

THE BROADSHEET COOKBOOKS

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These inspiring cookbooks (one for Melbourne and one for Sydney) have been lovingly collated by Broadsheet with over 160 ‘signature recipes’ in two books.

Whilst flicking through the pages, take yourself back to when you were talking loudly at 400 Gradi about climate change and Australia’s bleak political landscape, all the while foregoing your summer beach bod for 7 heavenly mouthfuls of overpriced spaghettini.

We can’t believe it actually took more than ten page turns to find a picture of Iceberg’s in Bondi.

A steal for only fifty bucks a pop.

 


 

AN ARTISAN GARDENING KIT

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We’ve finally done it: peak artisan. Congrats errbody!

Although the ‘Golden Trowel’ might be something more akin to a joke award at the Gardening Australia end-of-year staff party, this actually exists. And what could be more perfectly ‘artisan’ than actual hand gardening tools?

Unfortunately for these expensive examples of excavation equipment, the fine print sternly stipulates that only kale and quinoa seedlings are to touch this fancy brass.

I’m sure you’ll be absolutely thrilled that these dirt-covered instruments put you back a decent nudge while you’re rummaging around in the mud.


 

A MOTHERFUCKING FLIP PHONE

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You know the best thing about trends? When companies inevitably run out of ideas, they can literally just thumb through an old catalogue, shove any old shit down our throats and call it ‘innovative’… and here’s the best bit: we’ll buy it.

With Samsung recently revealing their dual-Screen, quad-Core android flip phone, and other companies looking at re-hashing some of their older models, snapping one of these up means you’ll be at the forefront of the old school.

BONUS POINTS: you’ll be able to imagine you’re someone famous like Adele or Tay Tay, who were recently linked to flip phones. Coincidentally, they’re two people who have also made millions re-hashing their past.


 

A CRAFT BREWING KIT

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Do you remember when your dad started brewing beer downstairs? It tasted like shit and tonnes of bottles exploded, but what a fucking rad hobby for an old bloke!

Well given you’re now wearing his clothes, it seems apt that the torch has been passed to you.

These kits range in price from ‘just having a tinker and will probably give it away after the first go’, right through to ‘when I’m finished, Young Henry’s will be a smoldering ruin’.

Easy to start, and even easier to talk about incessantly, they make a great gift for someone with an unused shed and small to medium social standing.

 


EDISON BULBS

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Just have a look at these! They’re like the perfect harmony of ‘rustic provincial’ and on-trend fuckwittery.

With local councils now enforcing the installation of Edison bulbs in every new bar on the east coast, these will be familiar to anyone who’s been outside recently.

Sling these over wood for an authentic look, they’re easy to install and probably don’t require a qualified sparky to sort out (make sure you’ve got the mains off!).

PRO TIP: don’t serve drinks in the jars once you’ve placed the live, exposed bulbs inside.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Melbourne Man Missing For Two Years Found Alive In IKEA Showroom

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A Melbourne family are breathing a sigh of relief after their father and husband was found alive and well inside an IKEA showroom in Melbourne over the weekend.

Allan Keyes had been missing for almost two years after he vanished during a shopping excursion with his wife. Police found him after receiving reports of someone matching his description defecating in the unplumbed toilet units in IKEA’s Richmond showroom. He was reluctantly reconnected with his family who threw a surprise party for him on Sunday with close friends.

“We’re just absolutely thrilled to have him back. The kids have been deprived of two great years, but we’re going to make up for lost time!” Haus Keyes, Allan’s loving wife gleefully exclaimed. “The police said he took a bit of coaxing to return home…. he had made himself pretty comfortable in there!”

In actual fact, police said that Mr Keyes was so reluctant to leave the perplexing Swedish labyrinth that they were forced to think on their feet to coax him out. They left a trail of Swedish meatballs to an outside area where they threw a large grey blanket over him to keep him calm.

“It’s been a few years since we’ve used the excitement blanket.” Explains Senior Cuntstable, Dick Handler. “We got the idea from watching David Attenborough docos. He was dug in there like a tick and the casual staff just assumed he was a regular customer; he would move from one area to another fairly often.”

IKEA released a statement saying that while they were glad that Mr Keyes has been reunited with his loved ones, the dangers of their showrooms are very real with hundreds of people going missing each year. They suggest notifying friends or family if intending to peruse their wares and always take plenty of food and water.

Virgin Galactic Launch World’s First Zero Gravity Restaurant

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Just when you though Virgin couldn’t push any more boundaries, the world’s first commercial spaceline has today announced the launch of the world’s first zero gravity restaurant! The suborbital eatery will operate onboard Virgin Galactic’s SpaceShipTwo from 2017 and promises to put the wonder back into space eating.

Appearing via video link from low earth orbit, and fully clothed for a change, billionaire sleezebag owner Richard Branson proudly spoke of his vision for the future and shared a few teasers about what to expect with the new restaurant:

“We’re proud as punch to be announcing our new ‘Zero G Cantina’ onboard Virgin Galactic! After some very messy trials, we’ve nailed down the perfect technique to eat without the fuss. We’ll also be having some very special chefs onboard to delight your senses.”

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“Being able to use chopsticks to throw a sushi roll into your mouth while travelling at tens of thousands of kilometres an hour sounds impossible, but it’s not…. it’s so much fun!”

Branson, who now lives in space and drinks heavily, was still toying with the idea of including alcohol and women as part of packages and said that they were still trying to work through safety and hygiene concerns after what can only be described as a mishap during testing….

“We floated the idea a while back but needed some space after what happened last year … and of course there have been a few funny hiccups along the way to getting it all set up. During testing, one of the team managed to get some pretty severe diarrhoea. If you’ve ever seen liquid in space… well all I will say is that it can take days to get it out of your teeth and all that instrumentation. There were some other minor bumps in the road too, let’s just say we won’t be bringing a deep fryer into space again! Hahaha!”

When asked how many of his staff have been injured in the process of putting the idea together, the video link unfortunately dropped out, but press were handed a booklet with information and images on the new Zero G Cantina.

With places aboard the initial flights already sold to rich assholes, we’re not sure how long it will be before more opportunities arise to jettison into the exosphere, but one thing is for sure, the experience is set to be out of this world.

BREAKING: 3 Dead And $4.7M Damage After Vicious All-in Brawl At NGV

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The art world is reeling after a vicious melee between art aficionados turned deadly at the National Gallery of Victoria.

Witnesses say that an argument broke out between two groups of art critics who then used bollards, furniture and priceless artworks as weapons against each other when things escalated.

One group, thought to be fans of the impressionist style of art, approached another group of gallery patrons, believed to be lovers of the surrealism movement. An argument is believed to have broken out with things turning up a notch when one woman slapped another to shocked gasps of other gallery patrons.

With only limited elderly security, believed to be due to art funding cuts, there wasn’t much stopping both groups as fists and furniture started flying, according to several eye witnesses…

“It was horrible. One woman had another man in a headlock and was repeatedly punching him in the face and screaming things like ‘Dali was a talentless cunt’ and ‘Marcel DuCHUMP’. I had to get my kids out of there quickly, we thought we were going to get really badly hurt. We can’t believe people are dead… over what? Art? Such a waste.”

Police were called and it took them over an hour to calm the situation as tense stand-offs and threats to damage more art were yelled out of barricaded gallery doors. Negotiators were only able to gain access after both groups were granted their demands for ‘decent coffee and pastries’.

Estimates are putting the damage at just under $5 million which is expected to rise once forensic teams have given the all-clear to assessors. Art belonging to Picasso, Ernst, Monet and Cézanne is thought to be among over a dozen paintings either damaged or defaced with crude remarks and phallic drawings.

Six people were arrested, with another four taken to hospital in a supercilious condition. Police have not yet named the deceased, but are expected to release a statement shortly.

The gallery will be closed for the rest of the week with a spokeswoman suggesting anyone wanting to view other art collections can do so on the world wide web.