We Test Drive The Popular New ‘YOUBER’ App – Is It A Threat To UBER?

YOUBER LOGO 2

Cutting your share in the sharing economy might be harder then you think when you’re up against global dominators such as airbnb and UBER, but one popular new app is shaking the industry up and is now so popular in the US that it has just reported over 10 million downloads and a quarterly profit of $6 million USD (United States Dollars). Now regulators and lawmakers are trying to catch up amidst a growing concern that the new app is a sham that simply tricks people into driving themselves around.

With it’s impending release here in Australia we took it for a test drive to see what all the fuss is about…

The app itself isn’t cheap, you can download it for $49.95 and then you still have to register your vehicle and pass several online tests. Once approved, you place the app in your car and connect it to the starter wires underneath your steering column. UPSIDE: It’s quite easy to do with some simple tools and there’s several YouTube instructional videos. DOWNSIDE: the car will now not start until the meter is running on the app.

All you need to do is plug in the destination, much like a SatNav or the current UBER app. The app, using existing Google Maps software, shows you the route and a notification appears on your phone to start the meter running… now it’s time to start the engine and you’re off. TOTAL PREP TIME TO DATE: 2.5 hours.

We drove around a few blocks and watched the dollars tick up. The smart app technology detects if music is playing or if the aircon is on and adds a surcharge to your trip. The app itself has a really smooth interface and its easy menus make it a breeze to operate.

Once the journey is over, you can hit the red button at the bottom of the screen and the app displays the total amount owing.  The best thing is, if you decide to take passengers, they’ll never be charged because your credit card is automatically debited; you don’t have to worry about a thing!

Although the journey was expensive for only a few blocks (approximately around $50), the app runs smoothly and the charges appear instantly on your bank statement.

FINAL WORDS:

It takes a few hours to set up and get approved, and it’s quite expensive to purchase and operate, but overall the app is really impressive. It’s silky smooth to use and integrates into your car perfectly. It’s pretty easy to see why it’s shaken up the industry so much in UBER hotspots like New York.

The app is set for release next month and is available on both Android and Apple IOS.

 

 

ISIS Claim Responsibility For Gastro Attack Inside The Bachelor House

BAT SHIT

The Bachelor TV set is in lockdown tonight and filming for the final episodes has been halted after a dangerous biological attack tore apart The Bachelor’s pads.

Clean-up crews have been moved into the Spanish themed fuck mansion in the semi-rural NSW suburb of Glenorie and members of the production team, along with NSW Police, have been seen entering and leaving the property over the last 24 hours, all wearing protective gear.

Those involved with the series have been tight-lipped when questioned by waiting media as to the full details, but according to a source close to the crew, a powerful new biological weapon (understood to be called ‘E Coli’) was planted in food and delivered to the house by members of a local terror cell, reportedly dressed as caterers.

Late last night, ISIS, an Islamic comedy troupe, released a well-produced thirty minute slapstick video claiming responsibility for the attack and abhorring the show as ‘the worst example of humanity’. Police have been reviewing the tape and have confirmed its authenticity, accuracy and hilarity. They will be preparing a a short video in response and have are said to have enlisted the help of several prominent screenwriters.

ISIS, who are are well known for claiming responsibility for anything that goes wrong around the world, have lately been losing influence after boastful claims of involvement in anything from sewage leaks to punctured tyres.

One neighbour, Ken Oath, described chaotic scenes inside the house:

“It was bloody horrible, there were these spurting noises and a lot of yelling and screaming so we rang police who said they were aware of the issue and plumbers were en route.”

Luckily, Mr Oath was able to get a closer view with a pair of binoculars before curtains were drawn…

“Do you remember the end of E.T where there was tubes everywhere in Elliot’s house and everyone was wearing hazmat suits? … yeah well it’s like that in there right now. I could barely see through the windows due to the brown hand prints and smears.”

Channel Ten could not be reached for comment as they’re on the top floor and the lift was broken.

The stairs were also out of order.

ISIS have also claimed responsibility for the malfunctioning lift and stairs and are currently working with Hollywood director, Michael Bay, on a new video surrounding the controversy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Priceless Art Destroyed During Pokemon Go Rampage

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A series of priceless paintings have been destroyed by a group of Pokemon Go players at the National Gallery of Australia in Canberra. The art, insured for over $6 million GBP (appox. $5 AUD), was behind a fortified glass case but that didn’t stop a small group of electronic slaves Nintendo fans from attempting to release a rare ‘Pikachu’ from behind some of the gallery’s protective panes.

It was only the second time that the collection of original prints by the famed French artist, Peintre de Chien, had been displayed publicly in over 70 years.

“We’re understandably devastated here at the NGA. We’ve had people vandalise the art before, but nothing like this”, says Assistant Curator, Graisse Barbe. “At first I thought everyone was sneezing, but then I realised they were all yelling ‘Pikachu’. I saw them start to kick the glass and I began running towards the group, yelling for them to stop. They didn’t realise how rare the art was. Then we heard the smash and I thought that was it … but they kept kicking. It was as if they were possessed – I don’t think they were even playing the game at that point.”

Mr Barbe had not heard of the new fad of ‘Pokemon Go’ that has (unsurprisingly) already resulted in several deaths in the US. He’s directing the blame squarely at Nintendo who he accuses of ‘a lapse in judgement’ in placing characters of the augmented reality  game in areas where damage or injury can occur. His large beard also visibly shaken by the ordeal.

Nintendo are yet to respond to a request for comment and the matter is currently in the hands of the AFP and a shit-tonne of whiny art jerks.

Transport Chaos As Confused Protestors Shut Down Greyhound Coach Terminal

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It’s something embattled NSW Premier, ‘Casino’ Mike Baird has finally done right, and yet the NSW Government’s actions to ban greyhound racing have been undermined by a group of confused protesters who have taken over a Greyhound Australia coach terminal and are currently staging a ‘sit-in’ protest and are refusing to leave.

Police confused by the new style of ‘sit-in’ tactic initially opened the doors to anyone actually standing inside the terminal to allow people to exit, but were swamped as more protesters ran inside, to the exasperation of employees and bystanders.

Stranded travellers are being held inside the terminal against their will with a small group even breaking the windows in the coaches in a bid for freedom. Asked why they didn’t just use the door, the foreign backpackers said they didn’t realise ‘that was how things worked here’.

Police have surrounded the terminal and have been negotiating with the jobless crusaders and are attempting to communicate that it’s not actually coach services the government is banning, but the protesters remain vigilant. Some even holding placards and posters up to the glass for media; banners ranging from ‘WE’RE WHEELY ANGRY’ to ‘AT WHAT COST?’ are on display; Greyhound Australia employees quick to note that the pricing is actually displayed clearly at the counters.

We’ll keep you updated with more information as it comes to hand.

 

 

 

 

 

2 People Die Of Malnutrition As States Move To Ban Dangerous Food Photography Trend

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State Governments are unified in their response to a deadly new trend sweeping the nation that some say is overtaking the ‘ice epidemic’. In a rare show of bipartisan leadership during a pre-election get together in Canberra, leaders of all states and territories have petitioned the Federal Government to ban food photography, or ‘snapping’ as it’s known on the streets.

With two ‘snapping addicts’ already dead and hundreds more admitted to hospital in the last few months, all suffering from severe malnutrition, parents have been left wondering if the government can move quickly enough to save more young lives.

“I sit at the table every night and watch my son waste away as he obsessively takes photo after photo of his meal; the food becomes cold and inedible and he goes hungry”, says Stew Onnit, president of the parents group, Meals With Feels.

Mr Onnit, who maintains his cooking is ‘digestible’, says that he’s received hundreds of electronic mails and faxes from concerned parents from all over Australia and that authorities have done nothing to act. He also points the finger at social media companies such as Instagram who he accuses of allowing and encouraging the dangerous new movement to grow.

In a press statement obtained exclusively by Boredsheet, Instagram attempted to wash their hands of any wrongdoing:

“The Instagram platform is just a platform. We do not, and can not, dictate how people use it. Whilst we have Community Guidelines in place that take a stand against social issues like discrimination and harassment, we also have filters specifically for the fat and ugly people too, so there’s absolutely no reason not to eat whatever you want.”

With no action expected from the social media industry, let’s hope the government has an answer soon.

In the meantime, if you or a family member require support, you can access a new online resource set-up to provide advice on how to quit being a fuckwit: www.justeatitmate.com

EXCLUSIVE: Angry Anderson To Open New ‘Aussies Only’ Restaurant

Angry
More like ‘Hangry’ Anderson amirite?

Former Rose Tattoo singer and new Australian Liberty Alliance Senate representative, Gary ‘Angry’ Anderson has announced today he’s ‘reclaiming Australian food’ and will be opening a restaurant that will serve ‘fair dinkum food to fair dinkum Aussie’s’.

Anderson announced on Monday that he was running as the new Senate rep for the anti-Islamic, Liberty Alliance party, but threw ANOTHER surprise press conference earlier today to announce his brand new eatery, Pounds Of Glory.

“We need to keep Australian food, Aussie.”, the tiny xenophobe screeched, “There’s going to be wombat stew, kangaroos steaks and emu burgers, and my classic ‘Angry Fries’ if you can handle the heat! You won’t find any kebabs or pizza at this joint; we don’t want you scarred for life. We’ve even got ‘f*ck off, we’re full’ signs you can hold up for when the waiter comes around at the end of your meal!”

Anderson, a miniature skinhead who follows the Bahá’í religion, which has Arabic roots, and whose own mother was an immigrant, fails to see the hypocrisy.

When prompted that an exclusive admission policy, combined with his previous controversial statements, might upset members of the community, he replied:

“We have strict quarantine laws and it should be the same when it comes to cultures that do not want to integrate. I actually know a foreign person, I chat to him almost every day at my local servo. I stop in to buy special charcoal tablets for a medical condition I have, and he always greets me with a smile. I can’t read his name badge, but it doesn’t matter. He’s my mate. I’m definitely not racist.”

Anderson was vague when asked what exactly constitutes a ‘fair dinkum aussie’ and if the emphasis should be on the ‘fair’. He replied that ‘anyone that speaks plain Australian English is welcome at our joint’.

Pounds of Glory opens in North Sydney next month. The website is now live for people to check out it’s unique menu and make reservations: www.poundsofglory.com.au 

 

 

 

 

 

MELBOURNE HORROR: 4 Dead In Gelato Stampede

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BREAKING: Roadblocks are now in place along Smith Street, Collingwood as forensic detectives from Victoria Police’s new Food Incident Response (FIR) team move in.

The Melbourne soft serve community is reeling from a horrific incident at a trendy gelato hotspot after what appears to be a stampede involving up to 70 people. The incident left 4 people dead, several more injured and an even larger amount unable to try two new flavours being released today.

Senior Sweet Specialist, Laudda Topping, gave a short statement at the scene:

“We’ve got members of the FIR in there now and we won’t know more until they’ve done a thorough investigation” When prompted for further details, she simply responded with, “I think you’re messina da point, it’s an ongoing investigation and we won’t make further comment on the matter.”

One witness, Glenn Twenny, who works at a nearby cleaning store, described the madness:

“I was polishing a sign nearby and I noticed a queue forming, so naturally I went and joined it. Once I found out it was for a new flavour of gelato, I got so excited. But as they went to open the doors, the crowd surged forward… I could barely breathe… and then people started climbing over each other. The staff were hitting people with brooms and people were screaming. It was so horrible. Like a scene from that zombie movie with Bradley Pitts in it.”

The venue is unlikely to be re-open anytime soon and are yet to issue a formal statement.

There was also no response to media enquiries relating to when more flavours will be announced.