Priceless Art Destroyed During Pokemon Go Rampage

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A series of priceless paintings have been destroyed by a group of Pokemon Go players at the National Gallery of Australia in Canberra. The art, insured for over $6 million GBP (appox. $5 AUD), was behind a fortified glass case but that didn’t stop a small group of electronic slaves Nintendo fans from attempting to release a rare ‘Pikachu’ from behind some of the gallery’s protective panes.

It was only the second time that the collection of original prints by the famed French artist, Peintre de Chien, had been displayed publicly in over 70 years.

“We’re understandably devastated here at the NGA. We’ve had people vandalise the art before, but nothing like this”, says Assistant Curator, Graisse Barbe. “At first I thought everyone was sneezing, but then I realised they were all yelling ‘Pikachu’. I saw them start to kick the glass and I began running towards the group, yelling for them to stop. They didn’t realise how rare the art was. Then we heard the smash and I thought that was it … but they kept kicking. It was as if they were possessed – I don’t think they were even playing the game at that point.”

Mr Barbe had not heard of the new fad of ‘Pokemon Go’ that has (unsurprisingly) already resulted in several deaths in the US. He’s directing the blame squarely at Nintendo who he accuses of ‘a lapse in judgement’ in placing characters of the augmented reality  game in areas where damage or injury can occur. His large beard also visibly shaken by the ordeal.

Nintendo are yet to respond to a request for comment and the matter is currently in the hands of the AFP and a shit-tonne of whiny art jerks.

Transport Chaos As Confused Protestors Shut Down Greyhound Coach Terminal

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It’s something embattled NSW Premier, ‘Casino’ Mike Baird has finally done right, and yet the NSW Government’s actions to ban greyhound racing have been undermined by a group of confused protesters who have taken over a Greyhound Australia coach terminal and are currently staging a ‘sit-in’ protest and are refusing to leave.

Police confused by the new style of ‘sit-in’ tactic initially opened the doors to anyone actually standing inside the terminal to allow people to exit, but were swamped as more protesters ran inside, to the exasperation of employees and bystanders.

Stranded travellers are being held inside the terminal against their will with a small group even breaking the windows in the coaches in a bid for freedom. Asked why they didn’t just use the door, the foreign backpackers said they didn’t realise ‘that was how things worked here’.

Police have surrounded the terminal and have been negotiating with the jobless crusaders and are attempting to communicate that it’s not actually coach services the government is banning, but the protesters remain vigilant. Some even holding placards and posters up to the glass for media; banners ranging from ‘WE’RE WHEELY ANGRY’ to ‘AT WHAT COST?’ are on display; Greyhound Australia employees quick to note that the pricing is actually displayed clearly at the counters.

We’ll keep you updated with more information as it comes to hand.

 

 

 

 

 

2 People Die Of Malnutrition As States Move To Ban Dangerous Food Photography Trend

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State Governments are unified in their response to a deadly new trend sweeping the nation that some say is overtaking the ‘ice epidemic’. In a rare show of bipartisan leadership during a pre-election get together in Canberra, leaders of all states and territories have petitioned the Federal Government to ban food photography, or ‘snapping’ as it’s known on the streets.

With two ‘snapping addicts’ already dead and hundreds more admitted to hospital in the last few months, all suffering from severe malnutrition, parents have been left wondering if the government can move quickly enough to save more young lives.

“I sit at the table every night and watch my son waste away as he obsessively takes photo after photo of his meal; the food becomes cold and inedible and he goes hungry”, says Stew Onnit, president of the parents group, Meals With Feels.

Mr Onnit, who maintains his cooking is ‘digestible’, says that he’s received hundreds of electronic mails and faxes from concerned parents from all over Australia and that authorities have done nothing to act. He also points the finger at social media companies such as Instagram who he accuses of allowing and encouraging the dangerous new movement to grow.

In a press statement obtained exclusively by Boredsheet, Instagram attempted to wash their hands of any wrongdoing:

“The Instagram platform is just a platform. We do not, and can not, dictate how people use it. Whilst we have Community Guidelines in place that take a stand against social issues like discrimination and harassment, we also have filters specifically for the fat and ugly people too, so there’s absolutely no reason not to eat whatever you want.”

With no action expected from the social media industry, let’s hope the government has an answer soon.

In the meantime, if you or a family member require support, you can access a new online resource set-up to provide advice on how to quit being a fuckwit: www.justeatitmate.com

EXCLUSIVE: Angry Anderson To Open New ‘Aussies Only’ Restaurant

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More like ‘Hangry’ Anderson amirite?

Former Rose Tattoo singer and new Australian Liberty Alliance Senate representative, Gary ‘Angry’ Anderson has announced today he’s ‘reclaiming Australian food’ and will be opening a restaurant that will serve ‘fair dinkum food to fair dinkum Aussie’s’.

Anderson announced on Monday that he was running as the new Senate rep for the anti-Islamic, Liberty Alliance party, but threw ANOTHER surprise press conference earlier today to announce his brand new eatery, Pounds Of Glory.

“We need to keep Australian food, Aussie.”, the tiny xenophobe screeched, “There’s going to be wombat stew, kangaroos steaks and emu burgers, and my classic ‘Angry Fries’ if you can handle the heat! You won’t find any kebabs or pizza at this joint; we don’t want you scarred for life. We’ve even got ‘f*ck off, we’re full’ signs you can hold up for when the waiter comes around at the end of your meal!”

Anderson, a miniature skinhead who follows the Bahá’í religion, which has Arabic roots, and whose own mother was an immigrant, fails to see the hypocrisy.

When prompted that an exclusive admission policy, combined with his previous controversial statements, might upset members of the community, he replied:

“We have strict quarantine laws and it should be the same when it comes to cultures that do not want to integrate. I actually know a foreign person, I chat to him almost every day at my local servo. I stop in to buy special charcoal tablets for a medical condition I have, and he always greets me with a smile. I can’t read his name badge, but it doesn’t matter. He’s my mate. I’m definitely not racist.”

Anderson was vague when asked what exactly constitutes a ‘fair dinkum aussie’ and if the emphasis should be on the ‘fair’. He replied that ‘anyone that speaks plain Australian English is welcome at our joint’.

Pounds of Glory opens in North Sydney next month. The website is now live for people to check out it’s unique menu and make reservations: www.poundsofglory.com.au 

 

 

 

 

 

MELBOURNE HORROR: 4 Dead In Gelato Stampede

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BREAKING: Roadblocks are now in place along Smith Street, Collingwood as forensic detectives from Victoria Police’s new Food Incident Response (FIR) team move in.

The Melbourne soft serve community is reeling from a horrific incident at a trendy gelato hotspot after what appears to be a stampede involving up to 70 people. The incident left 4 people dead, several more injured and an even larger amount unable to try two new flavours being released today.

Senior Sweet Specialist, Laudda Topping, gave a short statement at the scene:

“We’ve got members of the FIR in there now and we won’t know more until they’ve done a thorough investigation” When prompted for further details, she simply responded with, “I think you’re messina da point, it’s an ongoing investigation and we won’t make further comment on the matter.”

One witness, Glenn Twenny, who works at a nearby cleaning store, described the madness:

“I was polishing a sign nearby and I noticed a queue forming, so naturally I went and joined it. Once I found out it was for a new flavour of gelato, I got so excited. But as they went to open the doors, the crowd surged forward… I could barely breathe… and then people started climbing over each other. The staff were hitting people with brooms and people were screaming. It was so horrible. Like a scene from that zombie movie with Bradley Pitts in it.”

The venue is unlikely to be re-open anytime soon and are yet to issue a formal statement.

There was also no response to media enquiries relating to when more flavours will be announced.

MUSIC: R.I.P. Stereosonic – We Look Back At The Festival’s Best Moments

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Chestbrah and friends just prior to shelving another goog in the portaloos.

Tragedy has struck communities around Sydney’s West and Melbourne’s North today with the shock cancellation of Stereosonic music festivals nationally.  Although yet to make an official statement, Totem OneLove and SFX Entertainment are reportedly binning one of the hottest dance music festivals this country has ever seen, resulting in an outpouring of grief around Australia.

With things still tense and social media lighting up with anguish and speculation, we look back at this amazing event, the likes of which will never be seen in this country again.

Here’s our BEST MOMENTS of STEREO:

 

The Fashion

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Some of the most original ‘aesthetics’ we’ve ever seen graced Australia’s much-loved EDM punching arenas. With the focus off the females for a second (amirite guys?) men finally got their chance to show people they could be in charge, and when left to their own devices, they put on an amazing display of peacocking. Although most attendees will ultimately die alone, or due to complications relating to ongoing steroid use, these brave soldiers paved the way for fashion in this country for generations to come.

 

The Vibe

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Some attendees arranging to meet up at a local bar afterwards.

One of the key elements to a good day amongst friends is the ability to have a robust debate without things getting too out of hand. What most people didn’t know about the Stereo crowd is that everyone always felt comfortable, especially females. It’s one of the best things about the festival that people will talk about long after it’s gone. Sure, boys will always have a bit of ‘rough and tumble’, but when everyone’s mates, it’s just a bit of fun! You’re there for the hottest dance acts on the planet, the comradery was an added bonus.

 

The Community Spirit

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A good Samaritan guides a blind man to the bathrooms

Engaging with the community is one of the many ways Stereosonic allowed younger generations to connect with the older folk. Organisers would keep in close contact with local communities and receive constant phone calls from nearby residents to say hi. Authorities were also in regular attendance to have a bit of fun and make sure everyone was safe. Police regularly bought their colleagues and pets and the heavy focus on sustainability meant that venues and surrounding areas were always left clean of refuse and pristine.

FUN FACT: No incidences of violence or drugs have ever been recorded at a Stereosonic music festival!

 

The Music

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Being able to discern a banger from a tune ripe for the bin is what every single attendee excelled at. It’s another amazing part of what made the festival so unique. But there was a simple formula for this: every song ever played at Stereo WAS a shit-hot banger! Unlike other festivals where some acts might have dropped the ball on the odd tune, for some reason every single person in the place was always dancing their arse off. This could only mean one thing: incredible programming from the world’s best music makers! We salute you!

We’re going to miss Stereosonic’s good vibes, great music and incredible fashion. No other festival will ever come close.

 

Stay aesthetic errbody!

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Zyzz and his playmates off for a quick sauna to get more shredded.