BBQ Festival Going Ahead As Police Foil Good Friday Attacks

CHURCH ARREST

The organisers of the annual Good Friday BBQ Festival have praised the quick actions of police in preventing what they say ‘could have resulted in a significant loss of life’ at their planned event this Good Friday. Federal police raided three Catholic Church lairs parishes early this morning and made several arrests during a joint operation with state authorities codenamed, ‘Out of the Frying Pan, Into The Friar’.

A large weapons and explosives haul was reported to have been found behind wall panels in confession booths, sacristies and storage rooms. There were also detailed plans found that clearly outlined even more attacks against local butchers and some major chain supermarkets.

The attacks are believed to have been aimed at areas where people would be purchasing or eating red meat on Good Friday, which is strictly forbidden by the Catholic Church during Lent.

The church is thought to have made the rule up centuries ago, along with a plethora of others, in an attempt to annoy people for absolutely no reason at all. The rule has no basis in any scripture known today, yet some church hard-liners, nicknamed ‘Furious Padres’, enforce these man-made rituals with an iron fist.

Police are yet to release more details and name those arrested, but the annual BBQ Festival, which has been running for over 20 years, will go ahead as planned according to several sauces.

 

 

MUSIC NEWS: Ban On David Bowie Tributes Comes Into Effect

bowie

The world continues to mourn the huge black star-shaped hole left by androgynous singer-songstress, David Robert Jones, known occasionally as enigmatic starman, Ziggy Stardust or even less frequently as David Bowie. But new information from his estate has now revealed he was somewhat prophetic in his final will and testament.

As most people know now, Bowie meticulously curated his death releasing several recordings and music videos around the time of, and shortly after, his passing. But in what most people will view as extremely welcome news, Bowie also instructed that “any tributes dedicated to him cease no more than 60 days from his passing.”

This means that plans for any future tributes to the English singer must now be cancelled and ones currently performing must also cease, effective immediately.

With several million naff musical tributes having already taken place this year alone, this is a huge respite for the majority of people around the world not involved in the performing arts ‘profession’. Numerous council authorities and venues have said they will be heavily enforcing the new ‘star law’, as it’s been coined.

As you would expect, the news is being met with dismay from a small amount of people such as Australia’s Got Talent contestants and karaoke bar owners. With several further releases expected from Bowie’s estate over the next couple of months, we’re sure these new ‘star laws’ are set to provide some welcome relief for the masses.

 

 

 

MKR EXCLUSIVE: ‘Producers Threatened To Kill My Family!’ Filming Halted As Police Move In.

MKR FINAL

It seems the quest for television ratings has reached new lows. Police today raided a Melbourne address on a tip-off that the family members of contestants were being held there against their will. Witnesses say that several people were led to police rescue vans, some still blindfolded with their hands bound.

Early reports suggest that a whistle-blower contestant exposed what will likely be one of the most disturbing reality TV scenarios this country has ever seen.

Shocking claims that producers have been holding the loved ones of contestants to be used as bartering chips to force scenes for the camera under duress. Viewers already had their suspicions when scenes of nasty in-fighting, low scoring and horrific food critiquing aired recently with contestants looking visibly stressed and behaving erratically. But it appears that when a producer threatened to have a family member killed after one contestant refused to hit another, the tenacious team member (who can’t be named for lackadaisical reasons) ran to police.

Breaking the sacred bond between producer and contestant is still considered a huge faux pas in television with some non disclosure agreements said to be signed in blood and bound in human skin.

Police swooped on Channel 7 headquarters and have taken several producers in for questioning, along with presenters Manu Feildel and Pete Evans. Sources reveal Evans screamed for his lawyer several times and repeatedly asked his assistant to ensure there were ‘paleo options on the jail menu’.

Feildel only made brief comment whilst being loaded into a police van, “c’est la vie!”,  in his normal Australian accent. As most people now know, Feildel was born and raised in Western Sydney and puts on a fake French accent when being filmed.

Man Attacked After Wearing ‘Meat Suit’ To Vegan Cafe

Full-Bacon-Suit

 

Police are holding four people for questioning and a man lies in hospital after a vicious attack at a popular Sydney café over the weekend. What started as a bad joke between mates resulted in an all-in brawl with patrons scrambling for cover as furniture and soy products started flying.

Surrey Hills café, Pretence, will be closed until further notice as police and local food authorities scour the premises. Witnesses say that a man in his late twenties strode purposefully into the vacuous vegan hive wearing a suit made entirely of meat in a deliberate attempt to provoke an aggressive response.

“He looked like he’d had a fair bit to drink and was leering and smiling like he thought murdering sentient beings was a big joke”, one heretical beatnik screamed. “He started joking loudly that he’d made ‘a huge missed steak’ walking in here and kept asking staff for the WiFi password so he could tell everyone he was at a vegan place…. he was being a real jerk.”

It didn’t take long for tempers to boil and when one irate habitué lobbed a soysauge at the man’s head, things took a turn for the worse. As he turned to leave, the intoxicated oaf bumped several patrons who misinterpreted the contact as an attempt to be aggressive. In the ensuing melee, patrons ‘jumped’ the man, who is under heavy police guard in hospital, and began punching, kicking and attempting to tear the suit from him. He was left bloody, unconscious and practically naked, with his own small soysauge on display.

The victim’s friends, who have asked press to refrain from printing names, say that they had been drinking heavily at a bucks weekend and hadn’t slept for a ‘couple of days’.

“Derrick, or ‘Nangs’ as we call him, was talking about getting more rack when he has this fuckin’ mad idea to hang racks of lamb and assorted meats all over him like Lady Gaga and stroll in to a vegan café just to see what would happen; what a beserk cunt! We all thought it would be a great craic so we took off to the butcher. No one thought he’d end up in hospital. For a bunch of people that hate violence, vegans really love a good stompin’ ay?”

Unsure whether the question required a response, we moved on and spoke to police who said that violence involving ‘certain elements of the phytophagous community’ is on the rise and there are already some high-profile people under surveillance.

Vegan terrorism is a major concern for authorities with the NSW government reportedly in talks with authorities around ways to tackle the new surge of herbivorous radicalism.

 

 

 

 

Apple Lawsuit: Churches Move To Ban ‘OMG’ From Smartphones

SANYO DIGITAL CAMERA

Fiction enthusiasts, the Catholic Church have today launched a class-action lawsuit against tech giant enthusiasts, Apple, over what it deems as ‘blasphemic acronyms and phrases’ allowable in their smartphone’s text messaging technology.

Phrases like ‘OMG’, which experts have revealed actually means Oh My God, and the use of popular terms such as ‘Jesus Fucking Christ’ are considered offensive to Christians, and generally regarded as blasphemy. Famous examples of blasphemy include Simone Callahan calling ex-husband, Shane Warne (God of Spin) a ‘womanising piece of shit’ or more recently, Thomas Aikenhead who was hung for blasphemy at aged 20, in Scotland. He was prosecuted for denying the veracity of the Old Testament and the legitimacy of Christ’s miracles. Classic Thommo!

Apple spokesman, Jonathan McIntosh, said that the church was behind the times on the issue:

“We’ve been in touch with representatives from the church to explain that these phrases no longer have the connotations they think they do, but they’re still pursuing the lawsuit. They’ve submitted an entire list, it’s completely unreasonable. They think ‘LOL’ means ‘Loins of Lust’ for God’s sake… wait… did I just blaspheme? …. please don’t print that.”

With Apple already under fire from the US Government over the FBI phone hacking scandal, it seems an attack from God himself isn’t enough to break their stride.

The church has yet to respond to several fax enquiries for comment, but Apple don’t seem concerned and said they were already working on some hilarious emoji’s which feature characters from the Bible in awkward everyday situations.

 

Sydney Launches ‘Black Night’ In Response To Melbourne’s White Night Festival

DCF 1.0

 

Just as Melbourne sets for launch on its annual White Night festival this weekend, Sydney have boldly announced what appears to be a last-minute counter-festival in an attempt to take the wind out of Melbourne’s sails.

NSW Premier, Mike ‘Fun Police‘ Baird said the new festival will be happening at exactly the same time as tomorrow’s White Night event and although it won’t have the artistic and cultural scope that the Melbourne event has, the premier maintains that ‘there is still a whole lot of fun things to cater for everyone.’

With the lockout laws controversy in full swing, some commentators have suggested that there is actually no festival and that an angry Baird government are taking it a step further by simply switching all the lights off as punishment.

When questioned further around why no programme has been released, and not a shred of marketing has been seen, Baird was vague and evasive and responded:

“Back in my day, we used to make our own fun. It’s lights out at 9:30pm. No ifs or buts.”

 

 

HOT NEW TRENDS: Melbourne’s Best Free Glamping Spots!

luggage glamping

‘City glamping’ is the latest craze sweeping Melbourne, and it’s set to explode around the rest of Australia. Taking a holiday in your own city might seem like a strange thing to do, but with St. Jerome’s – The Hotel opening up above Melbourne Central to rave reviews and a whole lot of new websites, blogs and media devoted to the farcical fad, maybe there’s something to it!?

The problem is that city glamping isn’t that cheap, but don’t drop your bundle JUST yet; the good folks at Boredsheet have put together some handy tips on some of the best FREE city glamping spots Melbourne has to offer…

 

TRAM STOPS

tram stop

Not only are tram shelters protected by the elements, what most people don’t know is that trams are occasionally scheduled to stop here to let people on and off! If you can find a good stop within the free city circle, you will have scored yourself some free accommodation AND travel!

PRO TIP: If someone asks you if you’ve ‘touched off this morning’, they’re actually referring to the Myki card payment system.

 

THE BANKS OF THE YARRA

riverbank

The historic Yarra River was discovered by John Yarra in 1978 and has been the lifeblood of Melbourne’s city, providing an endless stream of chip packets and Coke™ bottles for decades. Its serene setting, city views and clean water make it a perfect glamp spot.

A morning dip is a fantastic way to start the day. Don’t worry about the people in corporate attire staring and shaking their heads, they’re simply yet to discover the benefits of a local glamping holiday!

If you want a little extra cover, try setting up under an overpass. You might even get lucky and find a bed all ready for you!

Faktum Hotels

 

JUNKIE SQUATS

Junkie squat

With the impending release of Zoolander 2, why not go all ‘derelicte’ and fully embrace the boho lifestyle by securing an abandoned warehouse. You can pretend you’re Jean-Michel Basquiat, Andy Warhol or some other over-hyped cultural icon.

More suited to glampers who want a bit more cover from the elements, be sure to bring something sharp; you’re going to need to protect your patch.

PRO TIP: if you feel like staying a little longer, ‘squatters law’ dictates that after 8 years an uncontested property becomes yours. Did someone say free house?! Turn that holiday into a relocation!

 

LANEWAYS

graffiti-1-z6kss4

Grab an alcove in the pretty little CBD laneways and you’ll have direct access to the best Melbourne can offer. From coffee shops and trendy bars to the hottest shopping in the country. If you can handle the unique odours, it’s a prime location for central city glamping!

PRO TIP: If you can get close to a hotel or café, you’ll have free WiFi!

Derelict