BREAKING: Roadblocks are now in place along Smith Street, Collingwood as forensic detectives from Victoria Police’s new Food Incident Response (FIR) team move in.
The Melbourne soft serve community is reeling from a horrific incident at a trendy gelato hotspot after what appears to be a stampede involving up to 70 people. The incident left 4 people dead, several more injured and an even larger amount unable to try two new flavours being released today.
Senior Sweet Specialist, Laudda Topping, gave a short statement at the scene:
“We’ve got members of the FIR in there now and we won’t know more until they’ve done a thorough investigation” When prompted for further details, she simply responded with, “I think you’re messina da point, it’s an ongoing investigation and we won’t make further comment on the matter.”
One witness, Glenn Twenny, who works at a nearby cleaning store, described the madness:
“I was polishing a sign nearby and I noticed a queue forming, so naturally I went and joined it. Once I found out it was for a new flavour of gelato, I got so excited. But as they went to open the doors, the crowd surged forward… I could barely breathe… and then people started climbing over each other. The staff were hitting people with brooms and people were screaming. It was so horrible. Like a scene from that zombie movie with Bradley Pitts in it.”
The venue is unlikely to be re-open anytime soon and are yet to issue a formal statement.
There was also no response to media enquiries relating to when more flavours will be announced.
Tragedy has struck communities around Sydney’s West and Melbourne’s North today with the shock cancellation of Stereosonic music festivals nationally. Although yet to make an official statement, Totem OneLove and SFX Entertainment are reportedly binning one of the hottest dance music festivals this country has ever seen, resulting in an outpouring of grief around Australia.
With things still tense and social media lighting up with anguish and speculation, we look back at this amazing event, the likes of which will never be seen in this country again.
Here’s our BEST MOMENTS of STEREO:
Some of the most original ‘aesthetics’ we’ve ever seen graced Australia’s much-loved EDM punching arenas. With the focus off the females for a second (amirite guys?) men finally got their chance to show people they could be in charge, and when left to their own devices, they put on an amazing display of peacocking. Although most attendees will ultimately die alone, or due to complications relating to ongoing steroid use, these brave soldiers paved the way for fashion in this country for generations to come.
One of the key elements to a good day amongst friends is the ability to have a robust debate without things getting too out of hand. What most people didn’t know about the Stereo crowd is that everyone always felt comfortable, especially females. It’s one of the best things about the festival that people will talk about long after it’s gone. Sure, boys will always have a bit of ‘rough and tumble’, but when everyone’s mates, it’s just a bit of fun! You’re there for the hottest dance acts on the planet, the comradery was an added bonus.
The Community Spirit
Engaging with the community is one of the many ways Stereosonic allowed younger generations to connect with the older folk. Organisers would keep in close contact with local communities and receive constant phone calls from nearby residents to say hi. Authorities were also in regular attendance to have a bit of fun and make sure everyone was safe. Police regularly bought their colleagues and pets and the heavy focus on sustainability meant that venues and surrounding areas were always left clean of refuse and pristine.
FUN FACT: No incidences of violence or drugs have ever been recorded at a Stereosonic music festival!
Being able to discern a banger from a tune ripe for the bin is what every single attendee excelled at. It’s another amazing part of what made the festival so unique. But there was a simple formula for this: every song ever played at Stereo WAS a shit-hot banger! Unlike other festivals where some acts might have dropped the ball on the odd tune, for some reason every single person in the place was always dancing their arse off. This could only mean one thing: incredible programming from the world’s best music makers! We salute you!
We’re going to miss Stereosonic’s good vibes, great music and incredible fashion. No other festival will ever come close.
The organisers of the annual Good Friday BBQ Festival have praised the quick actions of police in preventing what they say ‘could have resulted in a significant loss of life’ at their planned event this Good Friday. Federal police raided three Catholic Church lairs parishes early this morning and made several arrests during a joint operation with state authorities codenamed, ‘Out of the Frying Pan, Into The Friar’.
A large weapons and explosives haul was reported to have been found behind wall panels in confession booths, sacristies and storage rooms. There were also detailed plans found that clearly outlined even more attacks against local butchers and some major chain supermarkets.
The attacks are believed to have been aimed at areas where people would be purchasing or eating red meat on Good Friday, which is strictly forbidden by the Catholic Church during Lent.
The church is thought to have made the rule up centuries ago, along with a plethora of others, in an attempt to annoy people for absolutely no reason at all. The rule has no basis in any scripture known today, yet some church hard-liners, nicknamed ‘Furious Padres’, enforce these man-made rituals with an iron fist.
Police are yet to release more details and name those arrested, but the annual BBQ Festival, which has been running for over 20 years, will go ahead as planned according to several sauces.
The world continues to mourn the huge black star-shaped hole left by androgynous singer-songstress, David Robert Jones, known occasionally as enigmatic starman, Ziggy Stardust or even less frequently as David Bowie. But new information from his estate has now revealed he was somewhat prophetic in his final will and testament.
As most people know now, Bowie meticulously curated his death releasing several recordings and music videos around the time of, and shortly after, his passing. But in what most people will view as extremely welcome news, Bowie also instructed that “any tributes dedicated to him cease no more than 60 days from his passing.”
This means that plans for any future tributes to the English singer must now be cancelled and ones currently performing must also cease, effective immediately.
With several million naff musical tributes having already taken place this year alone, this is a huge respite for the majority of people around the world not involved in the performing arts ‘profession’. Numerous council authorities and venues have said they will be heavily enforcing the new ‘star law’, as it’s been coined.
As you would expect, the news is being met with dismay from a small amount of people such as Australia’s Got Talent contestants and karaoke bar owners. With several further releases expected from Bowie’s estate over the next couple of months, we’re sure these new ‘star laws’ are set to provide some welcome relief for the masses.
It seems the quest for television ratings has reached new lows. Police today raided a Melbourne address on a tip-off that the family members of contestants were being held there against their will. Witnesses say that several people were led to police rescue vans, some still blindfolded with their hands bound.
Early reports suggest that a whistle-blower contestant exposed what will likely be one of the most disturbing reality TV scenarios this country has ever seen.
Shocking claims that producers have been holding the loved ones of contestants to be used as bartering chips to force scenes for the camera under duress. Viewers already had their suspicions when scenes of nasty in-fighting, low scoring and horrific food critiquing aired recently with contestants looking visibly stressed and behaving erratically. But it appears that when a producer threatened to have a family member killed after one contestant refused to hit another, the tenacious team member (who can’t be named for lackadaisical reasons) ran to police.
Breaking the sacred bond between producer and contestant is still considered a huge faux pas in television with some non disclosure agreements said to be signed in blood and bound in human skin.
Police swooped on Channel 7 headquarters and have taken several producers in for questioning, along with presenters Manu Feildel and Pete Evans. Sources reveal Evans screamed for his lawyer several times and repeatedly asked his assistant to ensure there were ‘paleo options on the jail menu’.
Feildel only made brief comment whilst being loaded into a police van, “c’est la vie!”, in his normal Australian accent. As most people now know, Feildel was born and raised in Western Sydney and puts on a fake French accent when being filmed.
Police are holding four people for questioning and a man lies in hospital after a vicious attack at a popular Sydney café over the weekend. What started as a bad joke between mates resulted in an all-in brawl with patrons scrambling for cover as furniture and soy products started flying.
Surrey Hills café, Pretence, will be closed until further notice as police and local food authorities scour the premises. Witnesses say that a man in his late twenties strode purposefully into the vacuous vegan hive wearing a suit made entirely of meat in a deliberate attempt to provoke an aggressive response.
“He looked like he’d had a fair bit to drink and was leering and smiling like he thought murdering sentient beings was a big joke”, one heretical beatnik screamed. “He started joking loudly that he’d made ‘a huge missed steak’ walking in here and kept asking staff for the WiFi password so he could tell everyone he was at a vegan place…. he was being a real jerk.”
It didn’t take long for tempers to boil and when one irate habitué lobbed a soysauge at the man’s head, things took a turn for the worse. As he turned to leave, the intoxicated oaf bumped several patrons who misinterpreted the contact as an attempt to be aggressive. In the ensuing melee, patrons ‘jumped’ the man, who is under heavy police guard in hospital, and began punching, kicking and attempting to tear the suit from him. He was left bloody, unconscious and practically naked, with his own small soysauge on display.
The victim’s friends, who have asked press to refrain from printing names, say that they had been drinking heavily at a bucks weekend and hadn’t slept for a ‘couple of days’.
“Derrick, or ‘Nangs’ as we call him, was talking about getting more rack when he has this fuckin’ mad idea to hang racks of lamb and assorted meats all over him like Lady Gaga and stroll in to a vegan café just to see what would happen; what a beserk cunt! We all thought it would be a great craic so we took off to the butcher. No one thought he’d end up in hospital. For a bunch of people that hate violence, vegans really love a good stompin’ ay?”
Unsure whether the question required a response, we moved on and spoke to police who said that violence involving ‘certain elements of the phytophagous community’ is on the rise and there are already some high-profile people under surveillance.
Vegan terrorism is a major concern for authorities with the NSW government reportedly in talks with authorities around ways to tackle the new surge of herbivorous radicalism.